Jack and Jan came over last night for dinner. I made a salad, Jan made a vegetarian shepherd's pie. The meal was delicious. Judy had come over earlier and we had drank champagne celebrating Judy's day. It appeared that the Ex had been calling about every hour. Then it was every half hour then every 15 minutes. I finally answered the phone when it got to where he was calling less then 10 minutes apart. I answered politely and sweetly, "hello" Instead of the "WHAT?!?!" that was my first reaction. You see I had an epiphany after I finished writing the last blog. I don't keep letting him into my life for him, but for myself. Because every time we part since about a year before we were divorced it ended badly. Usually very badly. And what I realized was I understood he is a master button pusher, and I end up at some point letting that button pushing set me off and then I act badly, whether a slap or yelling or the language. Whatever, I let him push my buttons and I give in each time he contacts me because I want a do over. I want to end this 25 year relationship as friends. Well, it just ain't going to happen.
After I said "hello" there was the sober voice of my Ex, "are you OK?" he asks. "Yes, why?" I asked. He said he had been trying to reach me and I was not answering the phone. I explained I had company, what did he want. He was in Monticello and wanted to come by to pick up the rest of his things. I told him that he didn't have to wait for me, he could get his stuff out of the barn. Most of the stuff in the barn had been his anyway. I can lock the house and I really don't want to play this again. He said he would be by around 1:00. I called Judy and asked her to meet me at the house about the same time.
I got up this morning, got ready for work and dressed a little nicer for a photo with out going Commissioner Bronson because of the united way campaign. I even put on makeup and then drove to work, did the "photo shoot" and then headed back to the office. There were a lot of things to handle so I didn't leave until almost quarter to 1:00. When I got home he was here finish packing his car. He again hit me up for money. Did I mention that this past week while he was staying at my house he was sneaking into my bedroom and taking money out of my change jar. He told me that the people he was staying with had stolen all of his money. I told him that it didn't matter if you stole a little from someone or a lot it was still stealing. And then I filled a sandwich bag with what change was left from my change jar and I gave it to Larry and I told him that here was his 30 pieces of silver. I never said anything mean, I took him to the gas station and put gas in his truck. I want him to leave. He tried hard to be nice and leave as friends. I didn't respond either way. I didn't give him any opportunity to push a button. Every time he started to head in that direction again, I would change the subject. So when I got home I pulled a bottle of Korbel out of the frig and Judy and I celebrated finally the ending I always hoped for. So is this the end of the story now? I hope so. I know that I am ready to move on. And I feel the closure where I didn't let him push my buttons.
Then I got an email from a friend who had just caught up information from a month ago. He asked me if I have given up. I burst into tears. Have I given up? I am not happy with the miscommunication I am having with Dr. B. And yet, I am so overwhelmed I can't think. I have so many things to take care of right now. I am trying to be a good steward of my life and estate, take care of the best opportunities retirement wise just in case I live another 5 or 10 or 20 years, and then normal life things and work and now having to make some hard decisions about my changes to my medical care. It is too much. And after the week I had last week, I just want to pull the covers over my head and weep. So I sat here in my red chair and cried and cried. Bob, the dog, came and sat in my lap and laid his head on mine. He just sat there quietly and I wrapped my arms around that sweet dog and cried it out. Then Harry and Maggie came up. I thought they also wanted to support me, no they wanted a milk bone. Well, they are dogs after all.
Tomorrow at work Sonia and Robin are coming up. They are my staff in G'villeok. And if it is not, well, it will be what it is.
There have to be ups and then downs. You have been through so much in the past few months and then- in the past few weeks even more.
ReplyDeleteToo much, too much.
And yet- I see you handling everything and I am in awe. But it's okay to cry. You have to get rid of all of this stuff somehow. Ex-husbands and emotions alike.
Here's to tomorrow- fresh start.
I sure hope Dr. B. calls you. Jeez. Let's get this show down the road.
I love you...M
There are some good Comprehensive Cancer Centers in Florida that are endorsed by the NCI. Don't give up, please. Your life and living matters. I am sorry about the stress of the ex. Hope that your Dr. B. gets his butt in gear. Every day is precious.
ReplyDeleteKathleen,
ReplyDeleteWow. I'm glad you got the ending you wanted. There is a great theory about neutralizing one's own anger with an adversary which leads to not having to repeat the situation because your response to it has changed leaving the other person dissatisfied with the interaction.
It's so unfair that you have to navigate all of this crazy insurance/medical/future plans stuff while you are trying to heal. It's so wrong. I'm not worried about you giving up though... it's not in your nature. You're just having a moment, and hell, how could you not?
Hang in there darlin. Sounds like you're doing all the right stuff.
xoxo m
My ex of 33 years walked out on me 3 years ago and left a lot of stuff at my house. I finally got 1 of our children to take it to him, little by little. As of now, there's only a tool box left (filled with old tools I intend to pawn someday) and a very heavy old work bench. I'm hoping that the $$ I get for the tools will be enough to hire someone to haul away the work bench.
ReplyDeleteAfter he left, he instantly regretted his decision and spent most of the next 2 years, before our divorce became final, trying to get me to go back with him. Even now, he sends me e-cards and takes every opportunity to contact me. I learned how to block his phone calls on my home phone and I don't answer his calls on my cell phone. I'm ashamed to say that I still let him push my buttons on the rare occasions that we see each other. My only excuse for my behavior is that we met when we were practically children and never learned to relate to each other as adults...
I'm sorry that you're going through this with your ex on top of everything else that you're going through.
You are so smart for seeing the patterns for what they were and for taking back the power in the relationship. Very smart woman.
ReplyDeleteI'm sorry you were sad, sometimes things overwhelm and there's nothing to do but cry it out. I hope the next time you visit with Dr. B you use your no nonsense approach to ensure he tells you everything you need to know in language that everyone understands.
Your change in a baggy made me think of something Anne Lamott wrote about bags of nickels and dimes. I'll have to look it up, it was beautiful. Just like you.
Wishing you a good day and no more hassles.
Kathleen:
ReplyDeleteI just wanted to tell you that we appreciated the opportunity of visiting you today.
I have to say you look very good! Even better now than before; I don't know what it is, if it's your shinny face, the colors on your head, your smile or what?... all I know is that you look very pretty!!! Whatever you are doing keep doing it...I liked the kind of peace that comes out of your skin. It's necessary to support your journey and to support those who are with you on journey.
Believe or not, we needed to spend this little time with you and reassure that you still have longs way to go, and that you have so much to offer and give to this world!
Keep it up, you are doing excellent!!!
S.