Yesterday morning and then again this morning when I opened my back door the fog had silently covered my entire world. It swirled around my little back deck, with wispy tendrils slipping in and out of the leaves of the plants. I breathed in the cool moist air and felt the new day cling to my skin. Slowly my eyes adjusted and I could see beyond the deck to the shadows of the plants in the yard. The glow of the morning sun coloring the fog in shades of cotton candy. Then Bob, ball in mouth, broke though the fog in pure joy of another day. It was good.
Last night I had dinner at Judy and Denise's house. The food was delicious and they have a wonderful and whimsical house filled with color and each of their passions. Judy is a California girl. She also spent a lot of time in Texas and fighting fires out west. So there is a lot of nature and south western art. Denise is originally from Puerto Rico but grew up in NY. And she has some amazing art from Spain and Puerto Rico. Lots of her art is of doors and steps, but there is a little picture in the apricot bathroom of a Royal Poinciana that I really loved. And their animals happily move in and around their home. It is a magical place with part of the property cleared and the rest wooded with so many potentials. And to listen to these two ladies, there are lots of wonderful ideas. We took a walk around the property and a couple of quails completely ignored us and did their little evening song and dance around us. It was good.
Today I felt good and got up and went to work. My Ex-husband got here a week ago Saturday for a couple of days and is still here. This is not good. He has been "helping" me around the house. By his action I thought he might not have a place to live, so I tried to be patient. But this is a man with lots of problems. He is paying for his past actions with tough consequences. I knew it was not the best idea to let him come here, but I tried to be the better person. How stupid is that? I took care of him while he was here, I cooked, which was for my benefit as much as his. He got to spend time with Maggie and Harry, our dogs. They didn't seem so thrilled, but they have been through as much as I have with this man, and here I go bringing him back into their lives. This was bad.
What was I thinking? I guess in my insane world I would feel good helping him out, although for the last several years, that has been my role in his life. I tried to fool myself that this would help, this would change our last together from horrible to friends. It did not turn out that way.
He had wiggled another part day out of me by promising to finish cleaning the carpets. He did do a few things while he was here. He put three screws into the chicken door, he did get the lawn mower going, which did take him a couple of hours. He did work on the golf cart and if I need to use it I can always hot wire it. Hmmmm, don't think that is fixed. And the rest of the week he kept asking for another day based on him wanting to help me and clean the carpets. The reason there is carpet in this house is because he insisted when we were doing some work on the house, and of course, I once again had tried to compromise.
I knew he would try and stay longer. I called around lunch to let him know when I would be back home. I told him that I would be happy to take him to lunch and to buy him a tank of gas. I also had gotten a little cash to give him to help him out of my life. Well...... it was ugly.
First he had been drinking vodka. He was drunk and sick from drinking on an empty stomach. he demanded money. I again offered to take him to lunch and to fill his gas tank and yes, I had a little money for him. He was incensed, he demanded money again. I told him that you can 't black mail someone who has done nothing but help him. He pointed around him and said look at all you have and I have nothing. Oh, that was such a wrong thing to say to me. He got the majority of what he had together. I kept this place, he got our commercial piece of property on Pine Island. If he had used his head he could have made a fortune on that property. We got it for a steal, and he if would be patient and wait for the property values to come back he could have named his price. Otherwise, he could have sold it back to our partner and still made more money then this little property is worth. I mean I live in a single wide trailer here. Yes, the property is beautiful, and I have worked hard to make it even more wonderful with gardens and orchards and vineyards. He has stolen from me, lied, been hateful and then when he finally left I got stuck with that Home Depot bill. I mean how stupid can he be? How stupid can I be?
How did I get rid of him? Well at one point I slapped him across the face. I have wanted to do that so many times in our life together. And he was so drunk that the slap knocked him down. And as I walked back to the house I realized that I had just assaulted him. If I did call the sheriff, what was going to stop him from charging me with assault? Would the sheriff see this drunk man and this woman with cancer and take his side? Justice is blind I should have never hit him. It is so not me to hit someone. OK, it did feel good. It felt like closure. I didn't slap my Larry. I slapped the man that had taken my Larry away from me. But I didn't call the sheriff, I called Mr. Moon. And Mr. Moon was on his way here to put a little whoop ass on that man. But I didn't want Mr. Moon to have to do this, or take a chance of anything happening to Ms Moon's husband. So I acted like when I called Glen that it was the sheriff. He didn't know. Then I drove his truck off my property and I said, "If the sheriff comes you might get taken away to jail. If you get in your truck now and leave, I will give you a $100." It worked.
So was it stupid or wrong or just insane to let him come here? YES! But did it finally give me the closure and to see the side of him that I didn't know. Here for the first time in all his scabs and sores and faults was the man that stole my husband. My future. The life we had planned so carefully and worked for early on in our marriage.
Judy suggested that I call the sheriff for real and tell them what happened and just ask them to drive past the property after dark. They said they would be happy to. So if he is still in the area and thinks about coming back, hopefully this will deter that thought. I am not sure if I am going to work tomorrow or not. Maybe I will stay home and rest, and let it settle in that it is over. And I can walk around my place and appreciate it more. I worked hard to get here. I lost a lot when he turned into this person. We had worked together to have a wonderful retirement, and then slowly it started to disappear. When I realized that I could loose everything, my home, my health, my job all because of the stress I was dealing with because of staying with him, I stood up for myself. And now, all these years later it is done.
So that is my life, the good, the bad and the ugly. Again, I am so thankful for friends. Friends who didn't say, well, how stupid are you, or I told you so. No, they were just there. Worried for me, not judging or critical, just supporting me. And now I must go give my dogs a milk bone. They have been through enough this week. And it is not that he would ever hurt them, but he talks very loudly at times and they don't like that. And he doesn't smell like anyone they know, so they treat him even a little standoffish from a normal person. Well, except Bob. Anyone who throws a ball for him is OK. And he really didn't interact with them much, and they did not seek him out.
I wished that this wouldn't have happened, but I stood strong, maybe a little too strong, when it comes to the slap, but I protected my home and my kids. I did my best by him, that fact that he had to make everything so ugly here at the end is well, the end of the story.
Sittin On A Porch
Our little back porch
Monday, October 11, 2010
Sunday, October 10, 2010
Getting back to life
Yesterday my friend Melissa came out for a visit. We only get to see each 3-4 times a year, but we always laugh a lot when we do. And we share the same birthday. We met at the Monticello Opera House in a murder mystery. She played the beautiful ingenue I was actually the Stage Manager, but somehow also ended up playing the part of the "stranger". A 12 line Spanish speaking maid who comes back to the mansion to find a bunch of strangers in and one wearing her French Maid costume. After the 12 lines I was poisoned with hot cocoa by the woman wearing my maid outfit. I did a Mexican hat dance with the rest of the cast singing and clapping along and then I drop dead. One night I slipped and fell on my butt before I had gotten to the part where I spun around during the dance with the inept Detective, played wonderfully by Jon Taylor. So bam! I go down, Melissa just reached down and with one arm lifted me completely off the ground and dropped me in Jon's arms just in time for the spin and then my death. The audience loved it. Melissa has not memory of even doing it. It must have been adrenaline. Melisa wore a gold sequined gown and Colin played her companion and they were a hoot.
So we had a lovely salad for lunch and then just spent hours sitting around and talking. It was lovely. Amazing, I did get a little tired, even though I was just sitting still and talking. But it was a good visit.
Then I talked to my friend Sioux. She and Lynnie are friends of mine from Lee County. Lynnie lived up the road from me. Sioux and I met at a biker party. They are trying to come up for a visit within the next few weeks. That will be lovely to see them, they are amazing ladies and I know we will be laughing a lot while they are here.
Sioux just lost her lovely special granddaughter, Amanda to cancer. After all aren't all grandchildren so very special. I can not not even speak of what Sioux must be going through. Loosing a grand child..... to have to stand there and watch not only your grand child deal with the disease, and the struggle between life and death. But to stand helplessly and also watch your child loose their child. So much lost. I am so glad that I talked to my friend at work on Friday. I understand a little better what she is going through because of his perspective, but that doesn't take away all the loss.
Today is another glorious day. I am feeling pretty good. I have been off pain meds since Thursday. I am a little tired and my stamina is not what I would want, but all in all I feel pretty good. This afternoon I am going to go to Judy and Denise's for dinner. I am excited. I have never been to their home. So that should be a lovely way to spend the afternoon. I may do some work with my plants in the meantime. Pull some weeds get my little veggie garden a step closer to life. Just like me. Every minute another step alive.
And I am gong to get a second opinion. It does not look like it will be quite as simple as I thought since I can't seem to have open communication between me and the doctor's office. But I will call again on Monday and ask to speak to the doctor, maybe he can explain the change of plans or get back on track, or whatever. I just want to feel like we are all on the same page, and that does not feel like it right now. But that is for tomorrow. I don't want to miss today worrying about tomorrow and second opinions, etc. It is glorious, I am heading outside.
So we had a lovely salad for lunch and then just spent hours sitting around and talking. It was lovely. Amazing, I did get a little tired, even though I was just sitting still and talking. But it was a good visit.
Then I talked to my friend Sioux. She and Lynnie are friends of mine from Lee County. Lynnie lived up the road from me. Sioux and I met at a biker party. They are trying to come up for a visit within the next few weeks. That will be lovely to see them, they are amazing ladies and I know we will be laughing a lot while they are here.
Sioux just lost her lovely special granddaughter, Amanda to cancer. After all aren't all grandchildren so very special. I can not not even speak of what Sioux must be going through. Loosing a grand child..... to have to stand there and watch not only your grand child deal with the disease, and the struggle between life and death. But to stand helplessly and also watch your child loose their child. So much lost. I am so glad that I talked to my friend at work on Friday. I understand a little better what she is going through because of his perspective, but that doesn't take away all the loss.
Today is another glorious day. I am feeling pretty good. I have been off pain meds since Thursday. I am a little tired and my stamina is not what I would want, but all in all I feel pretty good. This afternoon I am going to go to Judy and Denise's for dinner. I am excited. I have never been to their home. So that should be a lovely way to spend the afternoon. I may do some work with my plants in the meantime. Pull some weeds get my little veggie garden a step closer to life. Just like me. Every minute another step alive.
And I am gong to get a second opinion. It does not look like it will be quite as simple as I thought since I can't seem to have open communication between me and the doctor's office. But I will call again on Monday and ask to speak to the doctor, maybe he can explain the change of plans or get back on track, or whatever. I just want to feel like we are all on the same page, and that does not feel like it right now. But that is for tomorrow. I don't want to miss today worrying about tomorrow and second opinions, etc. It is glorious, I am heading outside.
Friday, October 8, 2010
Here's the plan
Yesterday was 8 days since my last chemo when Dr. B had said that his office would contact me with the appointment for the follow up scans. They usually call within a day or two. So I called and left a "non-urgent" message asking for the date and information about the scans. The nurse called me back the same day, nice, and told me that Dr. B would see me next on October 20. No, Dr. B ordered another chemo treatment, number four, for October 20th, while we wait to run the scans and get the results. The nurse looks through the records, nothing from the doctor about follow up scans.
So let me think this through. We start this journey thinking that I have thyroid cancer. That does not test out to be true, instead it turns out to be metastatic cancer from an unknown source. That is the name, or as Susan in CT points out MCFAUS for short. Yes, that is the name, people keep asking me, "Have they figured out what you have yet?" Yes, the medical name for the type of cancer I have is metastatic cancer from an unknown source. That shouldn't surprise anyone, I have always been a little different, why would I be normal and get a name after a body part for my cancer now, no, I am special, I am in the 3-4% of the cancer population with the type of cancer I have. But I always thought that this was curable and treatable. In all fairness I never directly asked the doctor if I was going to die, but "incurable" seems like one of those important bits of information and it is the doctor's responsibility to give you the full name of your cancer, Incurable metastatic cancer from an unknown source. Seriously, I understand it is my responsibility to ensure for my own health and medical treatment, but I have never had cancer before and I did not know the questions you should ask. I didn't know you were to assume incurable before a healthy, strong person would assume treatable, curable.
But how long can I go thinking about dying? I just find it very hard to live and worry about dying at the same time. But I have some things I still need to finish, like some of the ideas of the lawyer that still need to be completed and well I am having some fun playing on this dark side of humor. I plan to have my last birthday party dying of cancer. I mean I still need to consider the possibility of living with incurable cancer. We met a woman in the doctor's waiting room and she is alive and living and looked amazing and she is living with incurable cancer. So still lots to think about and put into perspective.
Monday morning I will call the doctor's office again and see if I can find out what is going on with these follow up tests.
And now my birthday. Which actually isn't working out at all like planned, but I think it will be so much better. GEO is celebrating it's first year anniversary on October 22. Well, I can't have my birthday where they are having an anniversary party. So instead I will get a cake from Publix and have a birthday party at work in the Conference room, and then Ms Moon has sweetly and graciously volunteered to have a party for my friends in Monticello, which is basically the Stage Company at her house. I am making cupcakes. So actually everything worked out just fine for my last birthday party.
Yep, my 55th birthday will be the last birthday I celebrate dying from cancer. I am going to learn how to live with my cancer and next year I will celebrate a new birthday living with cancer and each year after. I mean I don't want to miss the opportunity to celebrate my last birthday, even if it doesn't turn out that way, it fits the doctor's worst case scenario. Most people will never know when they are having their last birthday, so why would I give up this opportunity. Because I may not know when my real last birthday is.
Sorry, I know I have a weird sense of humor, but it makes me laugh.
Tonight was the Waukeenah Methodist Fish Fry. I love church dinners. I don't care if they are cover dish, fish fry, whatever, I am a Southern woman and I love these dinners. So off to the church for to go dinners, and the food was wonderful. And I ate it all. I was down to 121 on Thursday morning. That is not good. 125 should be my low weight. That is thin, but not unhealthy.
Thursday afternoon I went to the store and bought a pair of jeans and three pair of pants that fit me much better then the clothes I have now. And it felt good. It wore me out completely, but it felt hopeful. I mean if I was really dying then I wouldn't need new clothes. So I am glad that I went out and did this. And today I wore clothes that fit me, and I even put on makeup. Taking the effort makes me feel better.
Did you see the sky this morning? All this week the sky has been clear and cloudless with a brilliance of red, rose, orange and yellow blazing into the morning sky. What a way to start the day. I love my morning drive, the animals, the light, and watching the seasons through the trees and flowers.
So, I have a new plan. I like my plans. The most important thing to remember about plans though. Continuously review and adjust to meet the changes. And my, there sure have been a lot of twists and turns on this journey so far. But friends have stood true and strong, I have met some amazing people and heard the most intimate stories. I am humbled by all the humanity I have met. And even now, I just opened a birthday present from my friend Kim in NC. She sent me everything I need to have flowering paper whites in the house this winter. Isn't that sweet and hopeful and such a special present, especially for my last birthday dying of cancer, flowering bulbs. So this winter instead of it being dark and cold and dreary, I will have paper whites. What a lovely journey, and thank you Kim!
And my dad gave me a new phone system. My old phone could not do an intercom, so it was very hard to hear on it sometimes. And the volume was not adequate. The new phone is much louder, and when Dad is here he will be able to use the phone better with his hearing aids because of the intercom. So another wonderful present.
My world is still so full of presents. And today, getting to have lunch with Phyllis and then come home to presents and at work this morning I had an opportunity to talk to a fellow co-worker that I have never had a conversation with. We always say hello, and he seems, and is a really nice guy. He works in our IT section and he came to upgrade my Adobe to 9.0 and we started talking and I think it did both of us a lot of good. We are actually sort of in opposite situations, but we could relate and really understand what the other person is going through. What an intimate thing to share prospective with someone. To truly understand in a small way their journey. I think he and I connected and understand each others journey and through that our own journeys more deeply then I have connected in a long time. Judy and Denise and I connect because of Judy being a 13+ year survivor of cancer. And Mary has been through this before with a dear beloved who died of cancer. So Mary connects to me so deeply with both of our hope and desire for a different outcome this time. I willingly accept this journey, wherever it takes me, but part of that peaceful acceptance came from the knowledge that I would be the friend that survived this journey. And I will, but now we have more information, and it isn't going to be as easy or cut as dry as I thought it would be. But when is life that predictable. And as we learn more the journey will twist and turn with the knowledge. And I have to tell you, before I take my shower, I look from top to bottom and there is no expiration date stamped on me. So we will have to wait to see where this journey travels, and ultimately does the journey ever really end? And that is part of the mystery of life, and possibly part of our natural curiosity, and ain't that fun.
So let me think this through. We start this journey thinking that I have thyroid cancer. That does not test out to be true, instead it turns out to be metastatic cancer from an unknown source. That is the name, or as Susan in CT points out MCFAUS for short. Yes, that is the name, people keep asking me, "Have they figured out what you have yet?" Yes, the medical name for the type of cancer I have is metastatic cancer from an unknown source. That shouldn't surprise anyone, I have always been a little different, why would I be normal and get a name after a body part for my cancer now, no, I am special, I am in the 3-4% of the cancer population with the type of cancer I have. But I always thought that this was curable and treatable. In all fairness I never directly asked the doctor if I was going to die, but "incurable" seems like one of those important bits of information and it is the doctor's responsibility to give you the full name of your cancer, Incurable metastatic cancer from an unknown source. Seriously, I understand it is my responsibility to ensure for my own health and medical treatment, but I have never had cancer before and I did not know the questions you should ask. I didn't know you were to assume incurable before a healthy, strong person would assume treatable, curable.
But how long can I go thinking about dying? I just find it very hard to live and worry about dying at the same time. But I have some things I still need to finish, like some of the ideas of the lawyer that still need to be completed and well I am having some fun playing on this dark side of humor. I plan to have my last birthday party dying of cancer. I mean I still need to consider the possibility of living with incurable cancer. We met a woman in the doctor's waiting room and she is alive and living and looked amazing and she is living with incurable cancer. So still lots to think about and put into perspective.
Monday morning I will call the doctor's office again and see if I can find out what is going on with these follow up tests.
And now my birthday. Which actually isn't working out at all like planned, but I think it will be so much better. GEO is celebrating it's first year anniversary on October 22. Well, I can't have my birthday where they are having an anniversary party. So instead I will get a cake from Publix and have a birthday party at work in the Conference room, and then Ms Moon has sweetly and graciously volunteered to have a party for my friends in Monticello, which is basically the Stage Company at her house. I am making cupcakes. So actually everything worked out just fine for my last birthday party.
Yep, my 55th birthday will be the last birthday I celebrate dying from cancer. I am going to learn how to live with my cancer and next year I will celebrate a new birthday living with cancer and each year after. I mean I don't want to miss the opportunity to celebrate my last birthday, even if it doesn't turn out that way, it fits the doctor's worst case scenario. Most people will never know when they are having their last birthday, so why would I give up this opportunity. Because I may not know when my real last birthday is.
Sorry, I know I have a weird sense of humor, but it makes me laugh.
Tonight was the Waukeenah Methodist Fish Fry. I love church dinners. I don't care if they are cover dish, fish fry, whatever, I am a Southern woman and I love these dinners. So off to the church for to go dinners, and the food was wonderful. And I ate it all. I was down to 121 on Thursday morning. That is not good. 125 should be my low weight. That is thin, but not unhealthy.
Thursday afternoon I went to the store and bought a pair of jeans and three pair of pants that fit me much better then the clothes I have now. And it felt good. It wore me out completely, but it felt hopeful. I mean if I was really dying then I wouldn't need new clothes. So I am glad that I went out and did this. And today I wore clothes that fit me, and I even put on makeup. Taking the effort makes me feel better.
Did you see the sky this morning? All this week the sky has been clear and cloudless with a brilliance of red, rose, orange and yellow blazing into the morning sky. What a way to start the day. I love my morning drive, the animals, the light, and watching the seasons through the trees and flowers.
So, I have a new plan. I like my plans. The most important thing to remember about plans though. Continuously review and adjust to meet the changes. And my, there sure have been a lot of twists and turns on this journey so far. But friends have stood true and strong, I have met some amazing people and heard the most intimate stories. I am humbled by all the humanity I have met. And even now, I just opened a birthday present from my friend Kim in NC. She sent me everything I need to have flowering paper whites in the house this winter. Isn't that sweet and hopeful and such a special present, especially for my last birthday dying of cancer, flowering bulbs. So this winter instead of it being dark and cold and dreary, I will have paper whites. What a lovely journey, and thank you Kim!
And my dad gave me a new phone system. My old phone could not do an intercom, so it was very hard to hear on it sometimes. And the volume was not adequate. The new phone is much louder, and when Dad is here he will be able to use the phone better with his hearing aids because of the intercom. So another wonderful present.
My world is still so full of presents. And today, getting to have lunch with Phyllis and then come home to presents and at work this morning I had an opportunity to talk to a fellow co-worker that I have never had a conversation with. We always say hello, and he seems, and is a really nice guy. He works in our IT section and he came to upgrade my Adobe to 9.0 and we started talking and I think it did both of us a lot of good. We are actually sort of in opposite situations, but we could relate and really understand what the other person is going through. What an intimate thing to share prospective with someone. To truly understand in a small way their journey. I think he and I connected and understand each others journey and through that our own journeys more deeply then I have connected in a long time. Judy and Denise and I connect because of Judy being a 13+ year survivor of cancer. And Mary has been through this before with a dear beloved who died of cancer. So Mary connects to me so deeply with both of our hope and desire for a different outcome this time. I willingly accept this journey, wherever it takes me, but part of that peaceful acceptance came from the knowledge that I would be the friend that survived this journey. And I will, but now we have more information, and it isn't going to be as easy or cut as dry as I thought it would be. But when is life that predictable. And as we learn more the journey will twist and turn with the knowledge. And I have to tell you, before I take my shower, I look from top to bottom and there is no expiration date stamped on me. So we will have to wait to see where this journey travels, and ultimately does the journey ever really end? And that is part of the mystery of life, and possibly part of our natural curiosity, and ain't that fun.
Wednesday, October 6, 2010
2 Little piggies
As I drove to work this morning, I watch the sides of the roads for animals. Mostly turkey, deer and dogs. Those are the most common animals I see as I drive back and forth from my little trailer in the woods to the big city. This morning was two glossy black hogs. Beautiful animals standing on the side of the road, apparently rooting around for a breakfast delight. They were on the south side of Hwy 27. I live at the intersection of I-10 and Hwy 19, but if I drive into my office on I-10 it takes almost an hour, but if I drive south on Hwy 19 to Capps and make a right onto the beautiful 4 lane Hwy 27 it takes me about 30 minutes. And I have lots of these opportunities to see wildlife. I think I saw turkey every day in August in this one stretch of 27 as I came home each day. When Christopher was here, we would watch for them together and then check the time to see when we had seen them. And then the deer. There are lots of deer on 27 when I am driving home at night. I had a deer run into me last November on the Waukeenah Hwy
And there is a gray fox that lives in my neighborhood. That is good for the rabbit problem. That is not good for letting the chickens out of their coop. But it is a beautiful fox. Huge as foxes I have seen go, and black as a night with no stars.
It made me smile today as I drove in to see those two shiny black pigs. It made me think of that irritating car commercial about the piggy that goes wee wee wee all the way home. The first time I saw it I laughed out loud. OK, now I relate much closer to the woman driving the car with that look of pig murder in her eyes.
And I worked half a day but then came home, well, I was a little tired. Pushing it right now as I am living with the bone splint pain, is not a good idea. By 6:00pm, I am aching to capacity, as is it. No need to make that any worse. Plus today was the final appointment with the Lawyer.
So I went up to the Lawyers office and we did the will thing. Then I told him about the doctor's diagnosis and that I thought I needed to get a power of attorney. He agreed. So Mr. Moon is my first choice for the Power of Attorney. The lawyer recommended that the person live near by. Of course, Mary or Judy would be my first choice. But that is too much to ask of them. By choosing Mr. Moon, I know that he will talk to Judy and Mary and it will be the support for them if they have to make one of these life choices. So Surprise! Mr. Moon!!! And bottom line. If I can get around my trailer, eat food, and watch garden/cooking TV Shows, then keep me going. When I can not eat food, get around my trailer and enjoy a good gardening show, then pull the plug. If it is a question about quadriplegic (remember the C6 and C7 vertebrates are involved here) then pull the plug and roll me on my face after a bottle of champagne and things could resolve themselves. My older brother is my second Power of Attorney if Glen can not or chooses once Rob gets here not to take on this arduous duty. The lawyer also told me how to handle my property and my finances, accounts, including debts and the easiest thing I can do to assist them after I am gone. Because the bottom line is, my life does not add up to a division of stuff. It is my life, and any money that I was able to hang on to after my Ex husband lost his mind. And money that and things that I have worked to maintain, to grow and to improve upon, and I hate to sound like a murder mystery, but why in heavens name would I want everything sold off and then a set amount of money be divided equally between my biological nieces and nephews. I mean, some of them will not send me a birthday card even this year, some have children of their own and don't send me emails with pictures or updates or even act as if I exist. Then I have my three youngest niece and nephews who ask to call Aunt Kathleen, who love to come and visit me. I have my 2 non-biological niece and nephew who stay in contact and always send me thank you cards and their Mother gets me updates on them, and granted I am lucky I got to spend more time with them because of my work, but they also have always made me feel like they wanted to be a part of my life. So most everything will go to my brother. He will divide somethings up that mean things to certain people, and the rest, well, that will be up to him. Maybe he will keep it, maybe he will share it. All that matters is that there is a thought process behind it. Not just a selling off of a life. Not just closing accounts. Not just selling a piece of property that holds my heart like the land holds my gardens. I don't want to have a headstone or a monument or anything vain like that. Cremation and then spread my ashes around the oak trees and gardens on my property. But as the fate of this place, that I love so dearly is decided I want the land and animals to be considered. I would like that possibly the last thoughts about me are of happy memories and appreciation of the land that I picked out as my home. A place I have felt magic since the first time I stepped on the little front porch. The place where I still hope someday to be sittin on the porch with Vicki and Mary surrounded by more people then I can name here, all of us cackling and laughing, looking around at our old wrinkled faces, faces that have laughed and cried, held back tears or laughter at other times to show someone how much we love them. Faces that have stories written on them. Glasses filled with the nectar of their own god, warming through veins, tickling giggles from their lips. Tears of joy, snorts of happiness. Yep, I still hope to do that. But if I don't get to, I hope that before this place passes out of my family, that they sit on the porch, maybe a little more sedately, but they don't have to be sedate, they can have as much fun as they want, because no matter where I am, I know that my energy will be at peace, I don't have any idea of what peace there will be like, but I hope it is fun.
Sunday, October 3, 2010
Breaking my heart
My Daddy just called. It breaks my heart to have to talk to him about this. He has always told me that I had to out live him. I had to tell him the other day that I am still trying to, but he may have to accept that things could be different. No, I don't feel like I am dying. But until we can run the tests to see if there is any positive difference I know myself. I will keep all possibilities on the table. And at this point that it is all there, possibilities. It is possible I will not be here in a year. It is possible that I will be here in 3 years, maybe 5, could be 10, there is still a possibility that I could be here 20 years. I don't know, and I don't have any tests for another several weeks that will tell me. So for now, I am trying on each possibility. And I have to be honest. It all feels possible. I am hopeful, and still feel that for the most part I feel confident that once again, life will be good to me and I will be around for a while yet. But having to talk to my sweet Daddy and unfortunately I am to talk about accepting of all this better then he is able to. He is scared, he can't imagine one of his children not out living him. I think he had fear when Rob was in the Coast Guard back in the 1970s while Viet Nam was still going strong. I remember hearing him and Mother talk, did they make the right decision. Would he be safe. There was fear with the other sons, but not like Viet Nam. And I know they had fear when I planned on going to the Peace Corp. But my health did not allow me to go.
And now, once again I am being told that I will only live for so long. And once again, I have to take it all in, wrap myself up in it, and try it out. It still doesn't to feel like it fits any better then before when they gave me an expiration date. I don't seem to do well with expiration dates. And yet, each moment needs to be considered. So even though I am having the beginning of the joint and muscle and shin split feeling in my long bones. Well, I have been through this last time. It is right on schedule, and much easier to deal with this time. Hopefully it will only last about week again. After that is the bone tired exhaustion. But these are symptoms of the chemo, not the cancer, and hopefully the chemo is hunting up all the bad, nasty, evil cells and doing what it is supposed to do. I picture the cancer cells falling like yellow leaves, caught up in a whirl wind and being blown off the bone, the lungs, the pleural lining, and the cells are dead and the blow away to be discarded by a body too strong to be beaten by cancer. Will all the cells blow away? I don't know. But I just need enough of the cells to blow away to get my life back.
But I didn't just lay around the house today. Nope. Larry is here. There is good and bad tied up here. He has his own problems, and there is the small side of me that thinks "I have cancer, I don't want to have to deal with other people's problems" Unfortunately then I realize, once again how blessed I feel, and so I try to be more considerate. But there is a time frame involved here. But as part of letting bygone's be bygone's, we went to the IMAX 3D theater up at the Tallahassee Mall and saw Legends of Guardians of Ga'Hoole. Larry has not been to that type of 3D movie before. He enjoyed it and appreciated it. I enjoyed seeing the movie. I have read I am not sure 16 or 17 of the Kathryn Lasky series. Then we came home and took it easy. Larry has fixed the Chicken coop door, and got the lawnmower running, triage the golf cart and is making a list of all the things he is willing to do while he is here. You can say what you want about him, and everyone with a comment would be speaking the truth, but for right now, he is here and helping me. For a short time frame, this is fine. Longer term? No. I have already gone into get food that I thought was there and he has eaten it. No, this is my place and I like being a lone. I appreciate the assistance and the company, for a short time. But we are divorced. It is nice that we can still be kind to each other, but this is not something that can last for long. No, he needs to get himself together, feel good that he came back and did a few nice things. Will it ever fix what he did before. No, but as long as I keep my head about me, it doesn't hurt to allow the kindnesses.
And it is another day, am I dying? Aren't we all? Do I feel like I am dying faster then others? No, not really, does it bother me? No, why should it. The only thing I have to make sure is to keep any open mind, don't accept anything to quickly. Wait for it, wait for the results. Eat healthy, get up and live my life. Take time to read and watch old movies. I love to watch old movies. Talk on the phone to beloveds, email beloveds, go on Facebook and respond to my beloveds. So many people to love in my life. So many people that I have laugh out loud memories with. Sitting on melting ice in college, wear "I love Pi" to a pool party after we have hunted for a neighbors lost dog. Attending the ACT art auction, being a founding member of Christmas Bliss on Pine Island, getting to pea in Alice's restaurant; eating in a 600 year old restaurant with my Dad and brother and sister in law in Spain. Watching my 10 year old nephew graduate from Space Camp; watch a video on Face Book of my 14 year nephew in the marching band for his high school; remembering all the fun we had in marching band in high school. Riding a BMW motor cycle across AK; camping on the Algonquin lake in Canada listening to the frogs and loons serenade me to sleep only to be awaken by the skin prickling sound or a wolf howl; waking up with my Bob laying his head on my neck and wanting hugs and attention; feeding Marina and not loosing an arm; getting a tattoo with Vicki; tea on Ms Moon's porch; being part of a production at the Opera House; sipping wine with the ladies of the Camellia Garden Circle; dressing up to be a Foley for the Radio play; sitting in my garden weeding, I love to weed, therefore I garden. Do I sound like someone ready to give up? No, but I do sound like someone who has lived so much of my life, happily, blessedly, full of wonder; of hot air balloons, sky diving, sailing, boat racing, motor cycling, cooking, gardening, reading, sewing, crocheting knitting, canning, sipping wine or a martini with friends. That is it. My life has been so full of dear beloveds ones. My parents were friends, my brothers are friends. Not only have I done so many amazing and cool things, but so often I got to share the experiences with beloveds. I am a lucky person. And I know it and I am grateful, and I hope to continue being grateful for all the amazing people in my life.
So here is to another Christmas as a Sugar Plum Fairy, another Halloween of dressing up as a witch or a fairy; another New Years surrounded by friends, or quietly home with my family, a birthday shared with others and having my Dad carving the turkey, travelling to Netherlands/Spain with Dad and to Scotland with Vicki. Here is to more life, from the simple giggles with martinis with the Moons to drinking champagne and caviar I am still here and as long as I am here, I plan to make the most of it. With a cat on my lap, a dog on my feet, chickens clucking in their coop, rabbits hopping around the yard, fishing swimming around the water lilies and lotus. The small moments, and the grand.
Sunday, and the side effects aren't so bad. And life is pretty good.
And now, once again I am being told that I will only live for so long. And once again, I have to take it all in, wrap myself up in it, and try it out. It still doesn't to feel like it fits any better then before when they gave me an expiration date. I don't seem to do well with expiration dates. And yet, each moment needs to be considered. So even though I am having the beginning of the joint and muscle and shin split feeling in my long bones. Well, I have been through this last time. It is right on schedule, and much easier to deal with this time. Hopefully it will only last about week again. After that is the bone tired exhaustion. But these are symptoms of the chemo, not the cancer, and hopefully the chemo is hunting up all the bad, nasty, evil cells and doing what it is supposed to do. I picture the cancer cells falling like yellow leaves, caught up in a whirl wind and being blown off the bone, the lungs, the pleural lining, and the cells are dead and the blow away to be discarded by a body too strong to be beaten by cancer. Will all the cells blow away? I don't know. But I just need enough of the cells to blow away to get my life back.
But I didn't just lay around the house today. Nope. Larry is here. There is good and bad tied up here. He has his own problems, and there is the small side of me that thinks "I have cancer, I don't want to have to deal with other people's problems" Unfortunately then I realize, once again how blessed I feel, and so I try to be more considerate. But there is a time frame involved here. But as part of letting bygone's be bygone's, we went to the IMAX 3D theater up at the Tallahassee Mall and saw Legends of Guardians of Ga'Hoole. Larry has not been to that type of 3D movie before. He enjoyed it and appreciated it. I enjoyed seeing the movie. I have read I am not sure 16 or 17 of the Kathryn Lasky series. Then we came home and took it easy. Larry has fixed the Chicken coop door, and got the lawnmower running, triage the golf cart and is making a list of all the things he is willing to do while he is here. You can say what you want about him, and everyone with a comment would be speaking the truth, but for right now, he is here and helping me. For a short time frame, this is fine. Longer term? No. I have already gone into get food that I thought was there and he has eaten it. No, this is my place and I like being a lone. I appreciate the assistance and the company, for a short time. But we are divorced. It is nice that we can still be kind to each other, but this is not something that can last for long. No, he needs to get himself together, feel good that he came back and did a few nice things. Will it ever fix what he did before. No, but as long as I keep my head about me, it doesn't hurt to allow the kindnesses.
And it is another day, am I dying? Aren't we all? Do I feel like I am dying faster then others? No, not really, does it bother me? No, why should it. The only thing I have to make sure is to keep any open mind, don't accept anything to quickly. Wait for it, wait for the results. Eat healthy, get up and live my life. Take time to read and watch old movies. I love to watch old movies. Talk on the phone to beloveds, email beloveds, go on Facebook and respond to my beloveds. So many people to love in my life. So many people that I have laugh out loud memories with. Sitting on melting ice in college, wear "I love Pi" to a pool party after we have hunted for a neighbors lost dog. Attending the ACT art auction, being a founding member of Christmas Bliss on Pine Island, getting to pea in Alice's restaurant; eating in a 600 year old restaurant with my Dad and brother and sister in law in Spain. Watching my 10 year old nephew graduate from Space Camp; watch a video on Face Book of my 14 year nephew in the marching band for his high school; remembering all the fun we had in marching band in high school. Riding a BMW motor cycle across AK; camping on the Algonquin lake in Canada listening to the frogs and loons serenade me to sleep only to be awaken by the skin prickling sound or a wolf howl; waking up with my Bob laying his head on my neck and wanting hugs and attention; feeding Marina and not loosing an arm; getting a tattoo with Vicki; tea on Ms Moon's porch; being part of a production at the Opera House; sipping wine with the ladies of the Camellia Garden Circle; dressing up to be a Foley for the Radio play; sitting in my garden weeding, I love to weed, therefore I garden. Do I sound like someone ready to give up? No, but I do sound like someone who has lived so much of my life, happily, blessedly, full of wonder; of hot air balloons, sky diving, sailing, boat racing, motor cycling, cooking, gardening, reading, sewing, crocheting knitting, canning, sipping wine or a martini with friends. That is it. My life has been so full of dear beloveds ones. My parents were friends, my brothers are friends. Not only have I done so many amazing and cool things, but so often I got to share the experiences with beloveds. I am a lucky person. And I know it and I am grateful, and I hope to continue being grateful for all the amazing people in my life.
So here is to another Christmas as a Sugar Plum Fairy, another Halloween of dressing up as a witch or a fairy; another New Years surrounded by friends, or quietly home with my family, a birthday shared with others and having my Dad carving the turkey, travelling to Netherlands/Spain with Dad and to Scotland with Vicki. Here is to more life, from the simple giggles with martinis with the Moons to drinking champagne and caviar I am still here and as long as I am here, I plan to make the most of it. With a cat on my lap, a dog on my feet, chickens clucking in their coop, rabbits hopping around the yard, fishing swimming around the water lilies and lotus. The small moments, and the grand.
Sunday, and the side effects aren't so bad. And life is pretty good.
Saturday, October 2, 2010
Here come the side effects
It is almost reassuring to have the side effects here. It is not like they are so bad or so much fun, but they are getting predictable, and right now, anything predictable feels welcome. I am starting to get my head wrapped around some things. I don't fell like I am going to drop dead tomorrow, but I understand that life has different nuisance now I have never thought about. I have spent most of the day resting. I do a lot of resting these days. All in all I don't feel bad at all. Yes, my hands are numb and my muscles feel week. I have slept through the FSU game, hopefully I can stay awake for most of the UF game (go gators!)
My ex husband has come up for a "visit" He has promised to fix the chicken coop door, at the least replace the short screws, possibly put a third hinge beside the screws. He wants to help. We have a very bizarre history the two of us. We were married for more then 20 years. The end of was hard and could have gotten nasty and hurtful, but somehow here we are years later still talking. We share Maggie and Harry, the two old labs. It is still odd having him here. He just slips right back in and seems comfortable here. I am not as comfortable at how easily he slipped back in, because I don't want anyone here long term.
But we seem to be getting along without any yelling or problems. He swears he is not going to participate in any of his addictions. We will see. Tonight Judy and Denise are coming over for Chinese takeout. Mr. Moon stopped by to check on me. My Ex is aware that people are watching, and he seems to be taking note. We will see how that goes. He is only here for a few days. Well, that is my plan.
So, just a beautiful warm fall day, the light is gorgeous and I am resting and wrapping my head around my world, my world that keeps getting turned upside down. And for right now, everything if just fine.
My ex husband has come up for a "visit" He has promised to fix the chicken coop door, at the least replace the short screws, possibly put a third hinge beside the screws. He wants to help. We have a very bizarre history the two of us. We were married for more then 20 years. The end of was hard and could have gotten nasty and hurtful, but somehow here we are years later still talking. We share Maggie and Harry, the two old labs. It is still odd having him here. He just slips right back in and seems comfortable here. I am not as comfortable at how easily he slipped back in, because I don't want anyone here long term.
But we seem to be getting along without any yelling or problems. He swears he is not going to participate in any of his addictions. We will see. Tonight Judy and Denise are coming over for Chinese takeout. Mr. Moon stopped by to check on me. My Ex is aware that people are watching, and he seems to be taking note. We will see how that goes. He is only here for a few days. Well, that is my plan.
So, just a beautiful warm fall day, the light is gorgeous and I am resting and wrapping my head around my world, my world that keeps getting turned upside down. And for right now, everything if just fine.
Friday, October 1, 2010
Still digesting everything
I have made phone calls and talked to beloveds that I have not spoken to in a while. There are a few others I would like to talk to still. Perspective. I need to get my perspective back and talking to people and laughing over so many funny stories, shared experiences, presents given openly between human beings. Mij said that the Royal Poinciana I gave the year before I moved here has grown into a beautiful tree with a 14 foot span shading the porch of the front of her yellow house. She said it bloomed this year in a mass of deep reddish orange flowers covering the entire tree that has a purple bougainvillea below and the petals mixing together just filled her front yard with Tropical color. Mij lives just down the street from where I used to live in Bokeelia, on Pine Island near Ft. Myers. Mij and I have had so much fun together. She is a dear sweet old hippie woman like Ms Moon and I, a gloriously talented potter and creative genius and funny and sweet and married to the engineer Jim. They are a wonderful couple, still very much in love with each other. Yes, perspective talking to Mij.
I spent most of yesterday crying. I tried hard to be analytical as I sat in my red chair and wept. Why was I crying? Was I sad? No, not really, Overwhelmed? Yes, most definitely. Scared, no, shocked by the possibility of how unprepared I am to leave this life. What about my dogs? Maggie will be 15 December 7, I mean how much moving will she be up to? She has very bad arthritis in her front right leg. And Harry. Harry. This is probably the largest registered Labrador retriever you would ever see. I can wear his collar as a belt. He is massive, but mostly he is just a giant heart covered with a milk chocolate fur coat. He has epilepsy and it has worn out his body. He will be 13 on Valentine's day. Isn't that the perfect day for a giant heart disguised as a massive dog to be born on? And then my baby, my boy, my Bob. I love Maggie and Harry as much as I have loved any child of mine and I love Bob that much too. Bob will be 3 in April. So that is a huge age difference to determine homes for the dogs. And then the 4 cats, I mean, what do we do with Marina? She can be so sweet, but 90% of the time she is capable and willing to rip a major appendage off of you with out giving a blink. What am I going to do with her? She is only 8 years old. Granted she is so raggedy and mangy that she looks twice that age, but I can't even get her to the vet, let alone move her to someone else. I think Ms Moon would help found homes for the chickens. I am overwhelmed.
And I didn't cry because I was dying of cancer, no, I was crying because I was releasing. Releasing the word, "Incurable"; releasing "less then one year"; releasing anger from my ex-husband and him changing and going in a different direction then we had worked so hard on for so many year. Releasing the bone tired of having just done everything I could cram in a day for the last 3 years. I have focused on experiencing, doing, learning, working, volunteering, staying busy. Yes, I am bone tired and some of the tears were releasing some of that tired. I cried because I could and I wanted to. And it was good.
Today, the nausea is sneaking in. I have taken my pill, and eaten a salad for lunch and a LaCroix, trying to keep the nausea in perspective. I feel a little tired, but all in all, not bad.
I did have good news today. Susan is working to get me a second opinion at Archibald's New Oncology Department. Dr. Susan is Rich's sister who lives in Thomasville. She is absolutely delightful, and so kind and considerate, and right now, I am so blessed to her in my corner. Once I know when we will be doing the follow up work, Susan will then get me into Archibald. That has helped immensely with the perspective. There is a particular doctor there that Susan would like to get me in with. Her name is Kathleen Killearn. Steps forward.
I don't think I feel like I am dying any more. I mean no more then I was before. I am confused by how much longer I will be here. Everyone wants me to live until 80, 90, 100 years. But that is more then I can focus on right now. My focus at this moment is to live maybe 5-10 years. To live, and have quality of life. The length is not the focus right now, but to live. And if I am gifted to have many more years, that is great, but the focus is on the life.
Labrun. Where I have my chicken coop and barn, my orchard and vineyards, my gardens. I have shade from the trees in the front yard, mostly pine, but also magnolia and oak, maple, camellia, tea olive, crape myrtle, with an understory of azaleas. The back yard, cleared so that I have room for wide long runs of perennials and then the veggie gardens, one to grow in, one to lay fallow. Each big enough to constantly rotate the crops. No, I don't want to loose focus on what is important. Is it important that I live for as long as possible? I think I can safely say that is in the mix, but more importantly to me is to be here, my home.
And I have to laugh. I have lots so much perspective, I started wondering, will I ever need to buy any more clothes? Do I have enough right now? How about plants. I love plants, but I can't keep up with all of it, so no need to buy any more plants. Books. I have plenty to ready right now, and so many friends who loan me books, and of course the library. There are so many things to consider when you have a hint about how long you may be here. I need to find my perspective, and it is coming back. I just need to give it time. I still have time. Really, last week I had no idea how long I was going to live. Funny, I really don't know any better how long I am going to live right this moment. And that is good perspective.
I spent most of yesterday crying. I tried hard to be analytical as I sat in my red chair and wept. Why was I crying? Was I sad? No, not really, Overwhelmed? Yes, most definitely. Scared, no, shocked by the possibility of how unprepared I am to leave this life. What about my dogs? Maggie will be 15 December 7, I mean how much moving will she be up to? She has very bad arthritis in her front right leg. And Harry. Harry. This is probably the largest registered Labrador retriever you would ever see. I can wear his collar as a belt. He is massive, but mostly he is just a giant heart covered with a milk chocolate fur coat. He has epilepsy and it has worn out his body. He will be 13 on Valentine's day. Isn't that the perfect day for a giant heart disguised as a massive dog to be born on? And then my baby, my boy, my Bob. I love Maggie and Harry as much as I have loved any child of mine and I love Bob that much too. Bob will be 3 in April. So that is a huge age difference to determine homes for the dogs. And then the 4 cats, I mean, what do we do with Marina? She can be so sweet, but 90% of the time she is capable and willing to rip a major appendage off of you with out giving a blink. What am I going to do with her? She is only 8 years old. Granted she is so raggedy and mangy that she looks twice that age, but I can't even get her to the vet, let alone move her to someone else. I think Ms Moon would help found homes for the chickens. I am overwhelmed.
And I didn't cry because I was dying of cancer, no, I was crying because I was releasing. Releasing the word, "Incurable"; releasing "less then one year"; releasing anger from my ex-husband and him changing and going in a different direction then we had worked so hard on for so many year. Releasing the bone tired of having just done everything I could cram in a day for the last 3 years. I have focused on experiencing, doing, learning, working, volunteering, staying busy. Yes, I am bone tired and some of the tears were releasing some of that tired. I cried because I could and I wanted to. And it was good.
Today, the nausea is sneaking in. I have taken my pill, and eaten a salad for lunch and a LaCroix, trying to keep the nausea in perspective. I feel a little tired, but all in all, not bad.
I did have good news today. Susan is working to get me a second opinion at Archibald's New Oncology Department. Dr. Susan is Rich's sister who lives in Thomasville. She is absolutely delightful, and so kind and considerate, and right now, I am so blessed to her in my corner. Once I know when we will be doing the follow up work, Susan will then get me into Archibald. That has helped immensely with the perspective. There is a particular doctor there that Susan would like to get me in with. Her name is Kathleen Killearn. Steps forward.
I don't think I feel like I am dying any more. I mean no more then I was before. I am confused by how much longer I will be here. Everyone wants me to live until 80, 90, 100 years. But that is more then I can focus on right now. My focus at this moment is to live maybe 5-10 years. To live, and have quality of life. The length is not the focus right now, but to live. And if I am gifted to have many more years, that is great, but the focus is on the life.
Labrun. Where I have my chicken coop and barn, my orchard and vineyards, my gardens. I have shade from the trees in the front yard, mostly pine, but also magnolia and oak, maple, camellia, tea olive, crape myrtle, with an understory of azaleas. The back yard, cleared so that I have room for wide long runs of perennials and then the veggie gardens, one to grow in, one to lay fallow. Each big enough to constantly rotate the crops. No, I don't want to loose focus on what is important. Is it important that I live for as long as possible? I think I can safely say that is in the mix, but more importantly to me is to be here, my home.
And I have to laugh. I have lots so much perspective, I started wondering, will I ever need to buy any more clothes? Do I have enough right now? How about plants. I love plants, but I can't keep up with all of it, so no need to buy any more plants. Books. I have plenty to ready right now, and so many friends who loan me books, and of course the library. There are so many things to consider when you have a hint about how long you may be here. I need to find my perspective, and it is coming back. I just need to give it time. I still have time. Really, last week I had no idea how long I was going to live. Funny, I really don't know any better how long I am going to live right this moment. And that is good perspective.
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