Anxiety

No surprise, but once again I have not been able to figure out medication.  2:00 am and I am awake sitting straight up in bed, dripping cold sweat, dry heaves having a panic attack.  So I get up and take an Ativan and about an hour later I finally fall back to sleep.  So I am talking to Ms Moon and she says, "why not take the ativan before you go to bed?"  Ok, I had just figured that out, but it does help to have her remind me that they give me the prescriptions for a reason.   So that night I took the Ativan before I went to bed and I slept all the way until 4 and I woke up sitting up in bed with the cold sweat, but no dry heaves.  So last night I took the Ativan and instead of an ibuprophen I took a tramadol.  I still woke up at 4, but that was because nature called me, not the cold sweats.

And I had so much energy this morning getting to sleep an entire night.  I worked a long day for me and got a lot accomplished.  It felt good.  Then I went shopping, I picked up a present here, a couple there, a birthday present here and another one there.  I moved through town with a mission, following a route that circled around leading me back home.   A sandwich from Panera with a gingerbread man.  I felt so festive.  Christmas carols blasting, no pressure, just stick to the list and check off the names one at a time.  I am almost 3/4 done now.  And it is only December 1!!!  Hey that is amazing.  I am an early planner and like most over achievers get things done and early.  But I always bite off more then I can chew, not that I didn't get almost all of it done, but sometimes it would be Christmas eve mailing cards.  Who knows maybe this year I will get things done with less stress.  And not try and do as much.  Enjoy the season more instead of doing.  Be a human being not a human doing as Ziggy used to say.

And tomorrow, just hours away, two of the dearest people in my world will celebrate their birthday.  Not only do I feel so very blessed to have these two people and their lives in my world, but tomorrow I get to go out and have a birthday dinner with them and some of the special people in their lives, and I am one of the people in their lives.  That means so much to me.

My 85 year old Dad fell today.  My oldest brother called and left a message telling me about the fall, but that Dad was ok.  I called Dad and asked him how he was.  He said good and then over the next 45 minutes I found out that he had landed on his butt and it hurt and then he fell back on his elbows, they hurt and well his left leg was giving him so trouble, oh, and his right leg had some twinges too.  Rob had taken him to Urgent care and they took 3 Xrays, and did not see any breaks, but the arthritis is so bad they couldn't be sure.  Amazingly he got an appointment with the Orthopedic doc tomorrow.  

At the end of the phone call Dad said that his girl friend doesn't feel like she has someone whom she can call and talk to any time.  Dad said he had me.  I really appreciated him saying that.  I used to be the one that did a lot for my parents.  That was when I lived less then 2 hours from their home and drove past it everything I was heading home from Tallahassee or Gainesville.  I live more then 4 hours away now.  My job rarely takes me past Dad's and now I live up here.  And now my oldest brother Rob does most of  the taking care of my Dad.  And that is a lot of work.  My youngest brother Tom is also on call and has 2 strong young men to help Dad do things.  They are busy, but as the boys are getting older they can do more for Dad.  And he is getting older and needs the extra help.  I wish I could do more.  I do try and call several times a week.  And I try to have him up here as often as we can work it in our schedules.  

Lessons learned:

Take the pills before I get to the point where I am having panic attacks and cold sweats.

Take note that you feel good today.

Keep checking off the names on the list.  

Find a small way to say I am thinking of you.

Stay inside out of the miserable horrible terrible cold

Did I ever mention that I hate the cold

Wear warm hats

Celebrate how each day the fuzz is more obvious on my head

Quit trying to scrub off the hair coming in my eyebrows.  

It is not dirt, but hair

I am going to have eyebrows again

I have chemo next Monday

I feel good today

I accomplished so much 

but I did not over do it
Tomorrow is a special day

each day is special

Grateful

I think I have been eating non stop since Thursday.  I have gained 5 pounds.  I never thought I would brag about something like that, but I am.  There is still so much food, but it will not go to waste.  I have enjoyed it thoroughly and have started to freeze some of it.  I also have started sharing some of it with the dogs and chickens.  They love Thanksgiving.  So do I.  


Tomorrow back to work, but it has been a nice Thanksgiving weekend.  The Moon party, dinner on Thursday, Friday and Saturday were spent quietly at home.  I am learning to say rest and not feel guilty for not being busy.  I have a few things to keep my hands busy.  I can crochet or knit on the board, and sometimes I do.  Sometimes I just sitting quietly and read or watch movies on TV.   Some days time flies, others it creeps hour by hour by.  Sometimes it feels like a waste of time, other times it feels like I am giving myself time to heal.  It was a nice two days of quiet.  


Janak and Geeta came for lunch.  I made blueberry muffins, a broccoli and cheese quiche and salad.  We sat and talked and had a lovely lunch.  It was wonderful to spend a few hours with these two special people.  What a wonderful way to spend a beautiful Fall Sunday afternoon.  


As I was getting the dogs their 6:00 cookies the doorway outside glowed with pink and gold.  I stopped and just enjoyed the moment of the door.  I love in between and the light filled the in between like it was leading to another world, magical and glowing.  I stepped out the door and the sky was stripped pink and deep blue.  It really was another magical world.  


And now I am sitting quietly in my red chair.  The movie, The Odd Couple is on and I am stuffing envelopes for renewals.  Quiet moments on a weekend we set aside each year to celebrate gratefulness.  Grateful.  A quiet thank you whispered when a moment is lived, a prayer.  Grateful.

A Fine Harvest

Yesterday I worked half a day and then met Ms Judy at Peppers for lunch.  Let me just say that I would not recommend Peppers.  But we had fun and then headed for JoAnn's Fabric.  We headed northerly on Capital Circle towards Centerville Road.  The traffic was horrendous.  There was obviously something more then just the day before Thanksgiving.   We joked that the way they rob banks around here that was probably it.  Well it did turn out to be a bank robbery with a bomb.  But we were no where near it.  


First we stopped at the ABC and bought champagne, brandy, vodka and rum.  Then we head to JoAnn's and  bought yarn for scarves and shawls.   After our craft excursion Ms Judy went to finish her to do list and I headed to Beall's to look for the guy's shirts.  I managed to find some I liked and came on home.  


Tuesday night I made a chocolate ganache cake along with the breads, but still needed to ice the cake and I wanted to make some olives in olive oils and herbs.  I knew that Ms Moon had bought some Rosemary bread and it is really good with the preserved olives.  


I drove over to the Moons and it was a warm and lovely night.  I got there on time and I was not the first to come, there were already lots of people crowded around the island of the kitchen tasting all the different food brought.  The island overflowed with cheese and breads, olives, pasta, salads, cake and stuffed mushrooms and more food then I could begin to name.  


There were babies and young children, older children and adults from 21 to 60, at least.  Everyone embraced each other as they entered from the porch off the kitchen.  Long strong meaningful embraces with faces looking into faces with smiles familiar and loved.  Laughter filled the large white old house and overflowed into the back yard where Mr Moon cooked oysters over the fire.  Soon everyone with filled plates and glasses pulled chairs up around the fire and before long the singing and playing began.  Violins, a cello, guitars, banjos and mandolins.  Song followed song, "somewhere over the rainbow", an old blue grass number, then a couple of blues.  Then a catchy number that had me up and dancing, champagne flute filled with bubbly, Ms Moon jumped in and then Ms May and we spun and danced as the  moon slipped out from behind the trees and clouds to fill the space with a silvery glow and I knew at that moment when I do take my last rasping breath of lung cancer,  many years from now, I will remember the night I danced under the moonlight with Ms Moon and May, sipping champagne, glowing with the air around me thick with humidity and warmth for a Thanksgiving cornucopia of abundance of food and drink and music and song, love and laughter and dancing.  And Friends.  


Life is so special when you are surrounded by friends who truly love each other.  Some have been friends for 30 years and more, others just a few years.  But when you meet someone and truly love them and believe like them in dancing in the moonlight and celebrating life.   And food.  and drink.  and music with singing and dancing.  and love.  Magic surrounds you.  


And last night was magical.


This morning I got up late, almost 9:00 am.  Very late for me.  I chopped and cooked and stirred and poured.  A cheese and fruit platter served with hot rustic bread.  Olives and pickles, grilled and picked asparagus.  Turkey.  Cornbread stuffing filled with lots of veggies and cranberries.  Mashed potatoes.  gravy.  creamed onions with wild mushrooms.  roasted veggies.  roasted garlic in the clove.  Pecan pie.  flan. a Puerto Rican version of egg nog, with coconut, yum! pigeon peas and rice.  sweet potatoes.  cranberry relish.  mustard greens.  A bountiful feast for three woman.  Jack and Jan came by and shared champagne and wine and pie.  Then my friend Bob, from work came for pie and left some lovely bread.  We watched football and ate lots of delicious food.  I wore myself out, and it felt good.  it felt good to cook.  To chop and saute, roast and baste.  I had brined the turkey the night before in Mad Housewife wine.  I marinated fruit in brandy for the sangria today.  And we had a relaxing meal, and it was good sitting and talking to my friends on this day of abundance and fellowship.


And I am thankful:
to be strong and healthy and alive
to have lung cancer
to dance in the moonlight with friends
for my soul mate
to talk and laugh on the phone with friends
for my family
for my dogs
for my cats
and chickens
and fish
and rabbits
passion
passion for cooking
passion for gardening
passion for my friends
passion for the Opera House and the Stage Company
everything I accomplished this past year
all the accomplishments they have made in the treatment of cancer
all the accomplishments that are still to be made in the treatment of cancer
for fuzz on my head
for turkey leftovers
for warm weather and gardening
for another year filled with abundance
for love
for you, each of you in my life
for my life
yes, I am thankful for the full and wonderful life I have lived 
and I am hopeful for a longer list of things I am thankful for next year.
Happy Thanksgiving.

Moments

Today was one of those ordinary days that was filled with moments.  I know every day is like that, but I am not zen enough to appreciate and live in each moment all the time.  I would like to, but I am just not there. 

However, today was one of those days.

I woke up with the alarm this morning, anxious about going back to work.  I wanted to go back, but after 2 weeks, what would I find?  Would I be overwhelmed?  Or what if I am not even needed.  I was anxious.  I fixed my quick cook steel cut oatmeal that Ms Moon got for me and it was delicious.  I know oatmeal is not thought to be the tastiest dish, but these steel cut, even the quick cook or good.  They have texture and a nutty flavor, yum.  

My timing was perfect and I was out of the house early.  As I drove up to Hwy 19, the sun broke free from the trees and sky was filled with a light glimmering gold and pink and orange.  Breath taking.  I stopped for a minute watching the sky and just felt that morning wrap its brilliant fall sunshine around me.

I got to work 20 minutes early, and found a parking spot right in front of the door. Normally I like to park on top of the hill, but I knew that I could not make that walk today.  And there was a perfect parking spot right in front of the door.

I walked into the office and everyone was happy to see me.  They came up and hugged me and I got to catch up with my friends and hear about Kelly's sister's wedding.  I even got to see some of the photos and they were amazing.  The light was perfect, soft, amber glow lighting up Derby's white dress.  She looked like an angel with a halo all around here.  

I went to my office and I felt alive, like I knew what I was doing.  I started catching up on the hundreds of emails.  I did not check my voice mail.  I needed to get a draft to my bosses concerning the end of the Federal Fiscal Year, EPA Grant.  I sent out the emails to get the information from all of the parties.  I read through the drafts that Kelly had started working on.  I added in the rest of my information.  I sent out the draft to the bosses and let them know that I can get them the final the first of next week.  I prioritized, picked out things that I could accomplish today and I rocked.  I had told Kelly that I was getting to the place where I needed to be.  To understand that I cannot do my job the way I am used to doing my job.  I am not there like I was, and that others were picking up the work and keeping things going.  I need to give up the guilt and do what I can, and let those do the rest.  They will catch me back up to my job when I am well enough to come back full time.  The Assistant Director and Bureau Chief came in to say hello.  I really appreciate how well they are handling all of this.  The three of us have worked together for 25 years, and for them to see me with cancer, and be my bosses, I know it is tough on them.  And they are so supportive.  Part of that is because we have 90% of our procedures in writing.  And actually, we have every procedure written up; some just need to be updated.  So that way, even if the main person who does that job is out, someone else can step up and take care of it.

Everything seemed so crisp and focused, and I loved being at work.  I am already looking forward to going in tomorrow.

I left work at quarter after 12 and met Isabelle at Wal-mart to buy a new Christmas tree for our Garden Circle.  We sat at McD’s and ate and talked.  I like Isabelle.  She still has such a thick French accent that I have to listen carefully to understand her.  She is a wonderful Gardner and grows amazing roses and chrysanthemums.  She picked out the tree she wanted and paid for it, I went and got the car.  And as I drove up to the front where she came out, the light was soft and glowing around here.  Then one of the Salvation Army Bell Ringers loaded the tree into my car, which I thought was awfully nice.

As I headed to the Opera House to drop the tree off I thought I would stop by and see how Ms Moon was doing.  Bless her heart, the pre-Thanksgiving party is at her house and I really don’t know if she even gets to choose whether or not to have the party.  I think people love this party so much that they would just show up.  It is a very special night filled with music and oysters and fire light and friendship.  It reminds me so much more of a real harvest festival, versus the ones that are organized to avoid Halloween.  I am looking forward to being there, maybe I will dance.

Ms Moon was busy, busy and the Sweet Miss Jessie had washed the dogs and was helping her Mama to get the house ready and when I got there she had the little man out for a walk.  That is one lovely sweet young woman.  Well, she is Jessie Moon, and raised by two sweet people so in love.  It shows in all the kids.  And as Miss Jessie came walking into the yard pushing the stroller with little Owen fast asleep, it was so lovely.  Ms Moon saw them and the love just about bursts out of her when she looks at those two special children, one an adult child, the other a grand child.  And Miss Jessie looked so pretty in her sun dress, and that little man, well, he has a baby face, but there is a huge presence about that little boy.  He is big, but his spirit just overflows right out of that giant little man.  And he looks older.  It is so hard to remember when I look at him that he is only 14 months old, instead of 24 months.  And again the light was just perfect today, shining down through all the trees on the Moon property and the light coming out of those three people, it was intoxicating.  Owen didn’t sleep for long so I got to see him before I left and by the time I was on my way, he was smiling and kissing his grandmother, and well, he is one special boy.

There was a lovely Thanksgiving card from a friend in the mail, and I felt myself smile.  Then as I pulled into my yard, there was my Daddy’s Christmas present sitting inside the fence.  I bought Daddy a walking stick with a flashlight in the grip.  It looks very easy to use and is adjustable so he can set it up to his own comfort.  Now I know we all have that special pair of shoes or a hat or a shirt that we just can’t replace.  I would think that something so relied on as a walking stick would be the same, but I thought that Dad might be able to leave it next to his bed so he can use it at night.  I also thought it would give him some piece of mind when we head to Europe this spring to know that he has a flashlight available while we stay in friend’s homes.  I was so happy to see that box and know that present is taken care of.

I opened the pasture gate and let the three dogs free.  Well, free into the ½ acre that is separated from the 1 ½ acre pasture.  Yep, they have it good those three.  And so do I.  I rested for a few minutes, but I wanted to start baking my breads for tomorrow and Thanksgiving.  So as I made the sage corn bread to use in making the cornbread stuffing for Thanksgiving, I threw the ball for Bob and Maggie.  Bob is young and fast and can steal the ball away from Maggie no matter what I do, but she is still happy to be out there, and she acts like she is going to get that ball. 

Then I made two loaves of pumpkin bread, one plain, one with walnuts, sunflower seeds and dried cranberries.  And well, the oven was still hot, so I baked a chocolate cake and made some whipped ganache for the filling.  As I went to bake the cake I realized I was short one egg.  So I went out to the chicken coop, and there were two perfect green eggs.  I love my green eggs.  I love my chickens.  Thank you Dani Quail and Buttercup Stanford for the eggs.  Zora lays brown eggs, so I know that Dani and maybe Buttercup are responsible for the green ones.  And the eggs were so perfect; they are not shaped quite like the white eggs at the store.  They are a little longer then rounder, but large to extra large in size.  And the green color is so lovely.  I think this spring the Moons and I will split a rainbow egg layer batch of baby chickens.  We could order chickens that are all exactly the same to optimize the number of eggs we get,

but these are pets not just egg makers, and both Ms Moon and I enjoy the variety of chickens.  I also found out that Ms Mabel is a black star hen.  When I was looking at the chicken choices this weekend I came across the black stars and they could have had Ms Mabel’s picture on the site.  In fact, that might have been Ms Mabel in that picture. 

And as I baked and threw the ball for Maggie and Bob I also watched “Oceans” on pay per view.  I recorded it so we can watch in on Thanksgiving while we are eating.  Ms Judy is an animal of the ocean, she will love this beautiful movie.  The light as it sparkled in the drops of water flying off the dolphins, the bubbles and light made by the whales as they hunt together.  The colors reflecting the light in the water, it is a beautiful movie.  I highly recommend it, with a warning that it does show violence.  I don’t know why they think we all want to watch whales rip and tear seals apart.  Admittedly it is all part of the circle of life, and they did handle those few parts with good taste, but I really don’t care to watch that portion of life.  I don’t want to watch animals poop, I don’t want to watch animals rip each other a part.  Different strokes I guess.  But it is a beautiful movie and the baking just zoomed by.

So many moments today that just stood out at me.  I have to admit there was light involved in each situation.  I mean a light that I saw that drew me to say, pay attention, here is a moment.  And I am happy.  I feel like I was really present today.  Maybe because the last 2 weeks or so I have not felt very present.  No for the last couple of weeks, I have tried not to be a part of the pain or nausea, or the times not being able to sleep or eat.  I did not want to be too in the moment when I was wiping my head as I broke out into a cold sweat, or the dry heaves.  No, I don’t mind pulling into myself and getting through those moments.  But today, today, was a day filled with little every day moments.  Those ordinary moments each day is filled with, and yet today, they stand out in my mind.  Filled with a sort of glowing light, warming me and making me feel a part of them.  A part of my own life.  A life I like.  I like my job.  I love my friends and my “kids”, and the rose bush that needs to be trimmed back and the pine cone lilies that need to be planted that Isabelle gave me.  I love the temperature where it is warm, but not hot, cool, but not cold.  And that fall light, shining through the leaves as they put on their fall show.

Something just isn't right

Saturday I went to Costco.  That was the event of the day.  I went to buy food for the week and the rest of my needs for Turkey day.  I did a lot of shopping, but I am didn't do so great getting the items on my list.  There is so much amazing food at Costco. As I walked to the door I said, just one foot in front of the other.  But I was too tired to do even that, so I said, just lift one of your feet.  Either one, just lift it off the ground.  And I managed to get out and in to my car and I was driving home.  I did buy Yukon gold potatoes.  That was as I was looking at them I managed to get one of the bags in the cart, but it was too heavy to lift it out.  I have a lot of potatoes.  Like 25 pounds?  A lot of potatoes, too bad Ms Moon doesn't want any, I could make them for her.  


So I made it home and got the food out of the car into the wagon and then into the house.  And I realized for this week I had bought salad and chicken/spinach sausage.  That was it for the week.  Ok, I actually bought the sausage for the front of the turkey, so a salad is the only food I bought for the rest of the week.  I bought lots of other stuff, pickles, olives, roasted asparagus, but not food food.  Thank goodness I like lettuce. But there is lots of sausage, so I can eat it with the turkey.


Today I made zucchini/apple bread for Garden Circle.  I made two loaves, just practicing until Wednesday when I will bake pumpkin bread for the Moon party.  


Then off to Isabelle's where she and Caroline and I strung pop corn for the Garden Circle Christmas tree.  We sat around and drank red wine, talked and strung popcorn.  It was a lot of fun and I like spending time with these two women.  After we finished the corn I came home and realized that my left arm is uncomfortable.  I looked at the incision area and it is noticeably swollen and black and blue.  I called the doctors office, but they do not have a service or a machine.  I will call first thing in the morning and ask.  It was the tiniest bit swollen on Friday, not enough to be of any concern to the doctor or his nurse, Chad.  But I have noticed that it has seemed to be getting a little puffier each day since then, and this evening it has gotten to the point where I need to call the doctor and see what he thinks.  I hope that it is a bruise, not an infection or a bleeder or something else that I have no idea about right now.  I guess I will find out when I talk to the doctor.  I don't have a fever.  Ms Moon called and asked me that.  That is a good point.  And she and Mr. Moon think I should put ice on it.  Good point.  hmmmmm, ice in my left arm pit.  Ok, I am going to have to work on that one.  Have I ever mentioned how much I don't like cold weather?  Well, I don't like cold water, to drink or swim in, and I am not a big ice person.  Especially in my left arm pit.  But I know they are right.  My back aches on the left side behind the incision.  It is not swollen like a grapefruit, but more like an egg.  So it is not huge swollen, but noticeably swollen.  I think if there is anything wrong, I have caught it early on, and the doctor should be able to look at it tomorrow, and go, Ok, lets take this magic pill and all will be fine.  Or maybe when I wake up, all will be fine.  Maybe I have just been up and doing too much.  


I am feeling better today, except for the back, and I am looking forward to getting back to work tomorrow.  Tuesday, Isabelle, Caroline and I are going to look into getting a new Christmas tree for the Garden Circle.  We have worried about this for over a year now.  Time to just get a new one.  Thursday, I will cook turkey and have dinner with Judy and Denise.  I am excited about Thanksgiving.  I love turkey and dressing with cranberries and mashed potatoes and gravy.  And then laying back on the couch pants unbuttoned, dreaming about the gorgeous pecan pie warmed with vanilla ice cream on the side.  Always room for desert because it melts around all the little gaps between the real food.  That is why you have to have it ala mode.  


The left side of my back is uncomfortable, but I am sure that it is no big deal.  We will see what the doctor thinks.  Meanwhile I am stronger and feeling better. But I need to have that incision looked at, it just feels like something just ain't right.  more tomorrow after I see how my arm pit is, and decide to call the doctor.  now about that ice.......          

Are we there yet?

This has been the longest week.  Each day crawled by so slowly.  I forgot, again to take any medication one day.  No pain meds, no nausea meds, no Prilosec, again.  I just do not think about taking meds.  I don't know why, I just don't.  So I went an entire day with nothing.    And by 6:00 pm I was hurting, and not able to eat or keep anything down.  So I started trying to take the meds and figure out which one I should be taking.  I woke up around 2  with the night sweats and dry heaves.  Yep-good times.  

Wednesday morning I started to work on my meds.  By Thursday I was able to eat again.  But that made a third week in a row that I had gone several days without eating, and surviving test, surgeries, chemo treatments.  All good things.  All ordeals and stress to put on a body.  No complaining, we are heading in the right direction, but any crazy ideas that I might still have been holding on to think that I can just run over my body and do whatever I want whenever I want to, well, those ideas are done.  

This morning Ms Moon got up before light and drove over to pick me up to be at the Doctor appointment at 8:20, too early am.  She had not met these doctors yet, and I was looking forward to her getting to meet, Dr. Cascone, the surgeon along with his nurse, Chad.  I love Chad, OK, I love everyone at the office.  But Chad is fun in that he wears black scrubs with black crocs and his black hair is spiked.  He is confident and a nice guy, and sweet.  He skillfully removed the stitches and said everything looked fine.  Then the doc came in looked at everything and again said everything was fine.  He is adorable, and refers to himself as an Italian meatball, which makes no sense to be in that he is not shaped like a meatball.  I must be missing the joke.

After the doctor visit we had breakfast at Waffle House.  I actually had a waffle.  I have never had a waffle at Waffle house.  It was a little sweet.  We had fun, nice breakfast.  Then Ms Moon took me to Winn Dixie and I bought a 12-pound turkey.  And now I have a Wallace & Gromit to watch this evening.  And I am feeling stronger today, rest does seem to help.  And I need to quit worrying about getting everything done.  

I have the turkey, so everything else for Thanksgiving will fit into place.  I have started getting Christmas presents ordered and they are starting to come in, so that is good.  I am fine.  I have to quit listening to the voices saying, "When are you going back to work?"  "When will you be done with Christmas shopping?"  "You know you have to outlive me"  Thoughts meant to be kind, meant to be thoughtful and helpful, but instead just feel like pressure.  I will go back to work next week like the doctor Okayed.  It is not even Thanksgiving yet, chill out about Christmas.  Don't miss Thanksgiving worrying about Christmas.  I have the crackers and the tin toys, wrapped already for the table.  So that just means getting the chocolates and receiving the activity  books with the crayons , and then some fresh flowers that week, so the table will be fun.  I have about a third of the presents bought and set, so really, I am right on schedule compared to previous years.  So, no, stress.  Really, no stress, it does not make anything better.  

And I want to enjoy this holiday.  And I will, and I do feel much better today.  And I still have a weekend before I have to go back to work.  I look forward to the work, not the stress on the body of trying to get in, be productive and catch up.  Lots to catch up on.  But it is going to be a lovely weekend, and I am going to enjoy it!  And I will wear my silk sari robe that Ms Moon bought me for Christmas.  I have wanted this robe for years, a lot of years.  But I never got it.  I would look at it every time the catalog came.  I carefully turned down the corner of the page.  I would dream of the softness of the silk against my skin, but I would never buy it.  Thank you Ms Moon.  And it was as wonderful as I had hoped it would be.  It is soft, and flows, and wraps around me, and makes me feel so special.  Why is it so hard for us to allow ourselves to feel special?  To be special?

The last bit of great news is that I have hair.  Well, not really hair yet, but fuzz, lots of fuzz.  The sides seem mostly white, the top more salt and pepper.  It looks though like I will have hair, someday.  It will be fun to see what comes out, what my hair will be.  I am just excited that it looks like I am going to get my hair back.  Will I feel stronger and healthier if I have hair?  It will be interesting to see.  It will be interesting to see how it affects me and my ability to heal.  Hair!  OK, fuzz so far.

Recovering slowly

The chemo was easy, especially with using the new port.  It was a lovely room filled with light and kind, sweet extremely competent people.  But the recovery has been slower then I anticipated.  That is until I think about the last few weeks.  Tests, surgery, days of not eating, probing, prodding, sucking blood out, learning a new doctor, being diagnosed with lung cancer.  Each individual thing has not been that bad, but when you add it all up, well, I am a little worn out.  I had today and tomorrow, free days, no doctors, no work, just take it easy and build my strength back up for next week to return to work and to celebrate Thanksgiving.  


Judy and Ms Moon have been nurturing me and taking care of things, so I did not have to deal with everything on my own, by any stretch.  And yesterday I drove myself to the doctor for my after treatment shot, but driving home I realized how tired I was.  When I got home I sat down in my red chair and fell fast asleep, so I was in bed by 4:30 last night.  I answered the phone when people called, but mostly so they would not worry about me.  I did not get out of bed this morning until 8, which is very late for me.  I was awake earlier, but I gave my stomach and body time to adjust.  And then I have done nothing the rest of the day.   I had big plans, but I let those plans slide as I rested.  And thought and realized that I have been through more lately then I realize and I need to give myself time to heal.  I just feel so irresponsible.  Isn't that funny, by taking care of myself, I feel irresponsible to things like my job and staff.  I do take my job very serious, but honestly I need to keep it in perspective, lung cancer and healing or going to work before I am healed.  Really a no brainer.


Tomorrow?  We will see how I feel tomorrow.  And if I have to take another day of laying around and resting and keeping my stomach quiet, I will.  And if I have more energy then maybe I will run some errands.  Friday Ms Moon will take me to the doctor for the follow up.  Judy will be visiting family.


And I feel like I am in a good place.  I am learning to slow down and place myself higher on the priority list.  My job is important, but not more important then my health.  And the same about all the other stuff in life.  Stuff.  life if full of stuff, isn't that what life is, a collection of stuff, action, things, moments.  And my moments today are precious, not wasted, lived.  And just the right kind of living that I needed today.