too much nature

I can not take credit for the statement, "Too much nature"  That belongs to Ms Moon's second daughter, Lily, and it is a great story of why she said that, involving a bathroom, a bat, underwear and a roach, but you will have to go see Ms Moon to hear more.  So here is my "too much nature" story.  


I was getting ready to go to the PTscan on Wednesday with Ms Judy.  I had gone outside to feed the chickens and was coming back in when I realized that the middle step to my back porch was completely covered in dirt.  I looked down to see a very well constructed hole leading in and under my back porch.  I thought, well, I will have to deal with that later.  Something caught my eye and I looked up in time to see half a dozen or more of my "wild" rabbits grazing through the back pasture.  I thought, well, I will have to deal with that later.  So I kicked the dirt off the step and started in the house when Bob came running up and tried to run into the house with a stick.  OK, a branch.  I am not kidding, it is like 2 inch diameter and about a foot and a half long, perfect for mulching in the living room.  A pain to get picked up.  So I grabbed at the stick, missed and then jerked back as something almost smacked me right in the head.  It was a Carolina wren flying not from the outside in, but from the inside of my house out.  And then here came its mate.  I guess they are looking for a new place to build their nest.  I do not think building a bird nest in the winter in my house is a great idea.  I have cats.  I don't keep the doors open like I do in the summer because I dislike the cold, intensely dislike the cold.  But of course, I thought, well, I will have to deal with that later.  I went into the bathroom and got in the shower only to find a tree frog there.  And of course I thought, well, I will have to deal with that later.  Then I laughed and laughed at myself, there is just too much nature here!


Now my friend Bob from work, says it is not about too much nature it is about using the doors for which they were put on the house, to keep all of that nature stuff out.  He is right I suppose, but I love having my doors and windows open, well, except in the winter.  Did I mention how much I dislike the cold?   


I was telling Vicki about this and I said that I thought it was just my thing with the primordial forest.  When we lived on Pine Island three corners of the house had trees growing from the roof to the ground.  It was a stilt house closed in  to look like a two story house.  Everyone always worried about the trees growing on and around my house.  I did not, I just figured that one day people would look at the property and find that it had been swallowed by the primordial forest and there would be like an imprint of my face or arm or something in the bark of a huge tree.  That was just fine with me.  And when Hurricane Charlie hit us with 168 mph winds August 13, 2004, those trees are part of the reason that our house was still standing when so many others were not in our neighborhood.  


Just too much nature, but I like it that way.


So I survived the PTscan, and Judy took me to Longhorn's on the way home and I had trout with asparagus and a big salad and fresh baked bread.  I ate all of my salad and some of the rest of the meal then brought home dinner for tonight.  I will just add a salad, and there I go, a wonderful healthy dinner.  I choose the trout over the salmon because I thought it would be lighter, and it was a good choice.  A very good choice.  


Speaking of too much nature I have to keep stopping to remove cats from my lap as I try to write this.  Marina is the scariest and she is on my lap now, so if the screen becomes bloody you now she pulled a Marina attack.  Stella usually fights for first place on my lap, but Henry likes to have his time on Mom's lap also.  Luna does not usually hang around when the other cats are here, but she will be curled up on the bed tonight and will slip up close next to me so we can share our heat.  She is the shy one, but just as sweet as the others.


So I went in today to have more blood work drawn.  Last Thursday when I was in having lab work done the nurse had told me to hang my arms down and keep clenching my fist, that will bring up veins.  So there I sat in the waiting room with my arms hanging down.  I have exceptionally long arms, so that means that they hang to the floor in a normal chair.  I can tell you that the new Oncology building has clean floors.  No dirt in my nails as I clench and re-clench my fist as they hang just a breath above the ground.  People walked by and said, "Oh, having blood drawn today?"  I smiled and kept clenching my fists, it also helps to clench because it does raise my hands that breath above the ground instead of my fingers brushing across the floors.  And sure enough the nurse was able to stick a good vein and draw off enough blood.





Tomorrow is the doctor and I am excited, he might know something else about my little "c".  Or he will have a plan, either way, another step closer to know more.  Now to close the door, it is getting cold.  And what will I do this weekend to protect my beloved plants?   I am not sure, but I will figure it out, and I am strong enough to move some of them into my green house and get the heater set up in there.  My plants don't like the cold any better then I do.

I need to eat

The last time I ate was Sunday.  Chinese takeout.  It was wonderful, but that was mid afternoon.  I had to start the cleansing process at 5:30 so no eating after that.  Then I continued the cleansing process yesterday morning before I went into the colonosocopy and endoscopy, which were no big deal.  After all not are you out, but the doctor includes a little amnesia blend in there so you truly don't remember anything.  My memory is before and after with Mary and the doctor and the sweet, kind, wonderful staff.  Mary brought me home.  I could have gone to her house, but I knew I just wanted to sleep and didn't want to worry about my animals.  Mary was sweet and made sure that I was settled in and eating a cookie and she went home to Mr. Moon and Jessie.  The cookie did not stay down, and the couple of things I tried after that also did not stay down.  I feel asleep and thought, I can eat a light breakfast tomorrow.  Well, I had to eat before 8, no eating after 8 am for the PTscan today.  I woke up after 8.  Darn.  I am hungry, not stomach rumbling hungry, but sugar level hungry.  And I have to be careful how much water I drink, because if I drink that too fast, well, it doesn't stay down either.  Sigh.  This is the problem with tests, they give us good information, but there are unintended consequences.  I will eat this evening when Judy gets me home from the PTScan, and I will be more careful.  I will eat something light and bland and eat slowly and remind my stomach how nice it is to eat.  The tomorrow I will go to work.  Today is Tamara's birthday and the staff agreed to wait to celebrate her birthday until tomorrow.  A pizza party.  Hmmmm, I don't think I will eat much of that.  But that is what she picked.  Then Friday we will meet with the doctor to hear the results of the tests and his suggestions on where we go from here.


The colonoscopy and endoscopy came out clear.  Oh thank goodness for that.  It will be interesting to see what they find on the PTScan from today.  


The only little hiccup yesterday, well besides the eating thing, was that the gallon of liquid you have to drink?  Polyethylene glycol.  And it pulls all the hydration out of your body so I was pretty dehydrated despite the fact that I had drank all that fluid.  So it took 4 sticks and 2 nurses before they could get the IV in.  And one, although it would not take anything from the IV, it bled like nobody's business.  They had to change all of the blankets, but they were so clever I didn't mind, especially they use warm blankets.  There is nothing like a warmed blanket being wrapped around you by sweet and caring people.


Larry has left with his brother Sandy to stay in Tennessee.  We had a nice visit.  Really, we had a nice visit.  I sat and listened to him as we cried and talked about what was happening to him.  I murmured softly and gave him him support.  I know how hard it is to wrap your brain around what it happening to you.  Each cancer is different and each experience is unique.  He is struggling with why and how and lots of denial.   He will have to come to his own terms with this.  I am happy to listen but he will have to deal with this in his own way.  I told him how I do it, but acceptance and the love and support of those around me.  He will be closer to family there, both of his brothers, and lots of Watson cousins, so if he is open to it, he can depend on the support of his family.  I truly wish him well.  I am glad to be able to say that.  I am sorry that it took something like this for him to start being a little bit more like the man I first met.


The elections are over.  The best thing for me is that I will not have to listen to the hateful, mean and lying commercials on TV>


So now to get ready for the test of the day.  Then I can eat!!!  Oh yeah!

Happy Samhein

Today is Samhein.  One of my favorite days and holidays.  I love getting dressed up and trick or treat and candy and parties and bobbing for apples, and pumpkins and Indian corn.  Last night I went out to Judy and Denise's.  I wore my wood nymph outfit, Denise was a bloody chef and Judy was a scare crow.  They had decorated the yard and made food for friends to stop by, and set up things for the kids we are carried around on trailers and pickup trucks to see and have.  It was a lot of fun.


I came home and watched the end of Game 3 of the World series.  I like watching the World Series, the Super Bowl, and final games of the sweet 16 and the pro basketball.  I also love watching UF play football, and the Miami Dolphins, especially  when they play the jets.  That is always a great game.


Today I will go see Oklahoma and support the Opera House and hug the kids in the show.


Tomorrow we start the process of the colonoscopy with the cleansing, etc.  Thank goodness I read the paper because actually starting today things change.  Today is no salads, nuts or seeds.  Good thing I read that because actually that would have been my lunch.  I will come up with something else now.  And then tomorrow only clear liquids.  Hmm, that is going to be interesting at work.  I have to be able to think and finish my reports.  It will all work out.


I have been thinking about everything I still need to do to get ready to die.  I am not planning on dying right of way, but we are all dying.  Welcome to the club folks, we are members from the moment we are conceived.  Fortunately most of us don't have to think about this for most of our lives, but there comes a time when we might need to make arrangements.  I am going to be cremated.  No funeral, no fancy coffin, the simplest plain box that legally I can get away with.  Honesty I would prefer no box if that was allowed.  OK, so then I am cremated and I want my ashes to be spread around my gardens.  No marker. Simple.  What about for people who need to have some kind of service and a way to say good bye?  Well, The fanciest I would be interested in would be in the garden behind the Opera Hose.  Honestly though, just having people come here to the house and do a cover dish thing.  You know how I love cover dish dinners.  Lots of beer, wine and cocktails.  Lots of laughing.  That would be perfect.  So I need to get with a crematory and find out how to make arrangements.  I mean after all I have time to take care of these things now, and it will make it easier on my beloveds as possible.


I admit that I am not sleeping well this past few days.  I guess part of it is the unknown with the new Dr.  I really like Dr. M, but we are back to a lot of unknown.  What is the cancer?  How will we treat it?  How long will I have?  These are all good questions and I am very open to the new and unknown, but that does not mean it is not still causing some anxiety.  Not to mention Larry's cancer.  


Sorry to all of you who think I should leave the door shut.  I can't I have cancer.  I understand in a way what he is going through.  His fears and concerns and the words, "I have cancer"  Plus I spent more then 20 years taking care of him, and now that he is dealing with this disease I can not just turn my back on him.  He can not come here to live, I can not give him money, but I can be kind to him.  I can do some things to help him.  I am not sure what all that means.  It is very limited, but we have been through so many things together, and here at the end of his life, he feels like we are sharing something again.  Yes, in some ways, and it does feel OK to have this additional connection to him.  But I am still anxious.     


I also have to start researching how to die.  I used to do an inspections at nursing homes.  I saw all of these living dead.  They were neither alive nor dead.  I am not sure that dying comes as naturally as to every one.  I will talk to the doctor and I will also talk to my friend Linda, who is a hospice nurse.  I think I have this living thing down OK, but I am not sure if dying will come as naturally to me.  And as I continue on this journey, working to stay alive is going to be part of it.  So if I put all this energy into living, will I be able to then know how to die?  I am not sure.  I would like to get some information on dying and then I can put it aside for when the time comes.  I think that it will take some stress off of me.  Get the arrangements made, learn how to die, finish getting the paperwork done.  Make a list of what goes where, and then I can get back to living.  OK, that is the plan.


Don't get me wrong, I am not wishing to die, but I am not afraid.  I want everything.  I want a healthy, happy life, I want to spend time with my loved ones.  I want a good death.


I went to see Oklahoma, and it was a wonderful production.  It is community theater, so of course there were things about it that were better then others.  But over all the set was wonderful, the actors did a fine job and looked like they enjoyed themselves, and at the intermission break I went back stage and hugged all the kids.  I love them all so much.  They are so talented and beautiful and wonderful and I am so very very proud of them.


Tomorrow is work and clear liquid day.  Yum.   And then the cleansing meds, should be a fun evening, or not.  Lots of tests this week and hopefully something will show Dr. M what we are really dealing with, or not.  I have faith in him, and I trust him to be honest with us through this whole process.  And yes, I am still very happy to be on this journey.  I am learning so much, experiencing so much, there is so much love and support surrounding me.  I am thankful for today.  I am thankful for the opportunity of tomorrow.

Another wonderful doctor

Judy and I headed up to Archibald today to the digestive health center.  The woman had said something about going past the Emergency Entrance, so we did and came in the back of Archibald, directed out to the front of the hospital and to the Endoscopy Section.  Then we had to run to the Digestive Center which was way back where we had started, sort of.  It was really hard to understand anything that the woman said on my cell phone.  I was not sure what we were going to be doing today.  I was pretty sure we were not doing the colonoscopy today because he had not cleared my system out.  But I had no idea what was up today.  


We finally made it into the Digestive Center, late.  Wait, no we were not.  The appointment was not at 9, but at 9:40.  I swear all I heard her say over the cell phone was 9.  This is one of the reasons I prefer not to talk on the cell phone.  But we were there and now to fill out the paperwork.  Yesterday and today the paperwork was much more personalized to the situation, instead of the standard forms I have been filling out.  Again, another doctor group that made us feel welcome.  Then the doctor came in.


He is buds with Dr. M.  In fact they had talked about us yesterday.  This doctor was also gorgeous, intelligent, funny, professional and had a great bed side manner.  He was thorough and asked lots of questions, again did another hands on physical exam.  And then discussed my um, movement patterns.  Well he is getting ready to do a colonoscopy after all.  He told me about what I would be doing next Monday to get ready, but this weekend he wants me to start cleaning out the system using Mirilax.  I must have made a face because he asked me about it.  I told him that I was really not sure about putting polyethylene glycol into my body, it sounds like something that should be put in a car instead.  He laughed, and asked me to go ahead and do it and then I could put the rest in my car to make it run.  Then he laughed at the joke he did not plan on saying.  But he loved it.  That is pretty funny, make the car "run".  Tuesday he will do the two procedures, an endoscopy and as Judy called it, an "uppie".  The doctor liked that also.  It is nice to talk to doctors and have them be so funny and talk and laugh with us, and at the same time be serious about my cancer.


After the appointment yesterday Judy and I drove to Boston, Ga.  Then we headed to Quitman and ate at the Mexican food.  After a satisfying lunch we headed home but stopped to cut sorghum to nice up the set for Oklahoma at the Opera House.  At home we split a bottle of pink sparkling wine, Korbel.  Today after our appointment we had BBQ at Granddaddy's in Thomasville.  Nice to enjoy time together and not just deal with doctors and cancer.  


On thing that the doctor had said yesterday that I think I had pushed out of my brain, is that if the colonoscopy, endoscopy, lab work and PET Scan doesn't tell us about the primary source of cancer, then he wants to do a biopsy of the nodules on the lungs.  I appreciate that he is wanting to get to the bottom of this little "c" so he knows what is the plan.  What is the diagnosis to know the prognosis.  


I just got off the phone with Richard and Colleen.  It was a mass they removed from Larry's head, not a blood clot.  Because of HIPPA, we can not get the direct information on what is going on with him.  Richard and Collen said that  Larry was told it was terminal.  One thing that they know for sure, is that it was a 6mm mass pressing on his brain, not a blood clot. Larry has decided to go down to stay with his cousin Bonnie.  This is much better news then staying with his brothers.  I had hoped that they would get to be friends.  That was/is unlikely, but I was trying to be hopeful.  But his sweet cousin Bonnie loves Larry as much as he loves her.  And she is the only person I ever saw have any type of influence over him.  Heavens knows I never did.  I don't know how he will get to Bonnie's, surely he should not be driving after major brain surgery.  


I find it so odd that we both have ended up in this situation.  No one has said that he has/had cancer, but he had a 6mm mass on his brain, isn't that cancer?  They say that one out two men and one out of three woman will get cancer, so I guess it is not a coincidence that we each have cancer.  I think we have different cancers, and we have different lifestyles, so we will each deal very differently with or disease.  I am so sorry that he is going through this, but we each have our journey and our journeys diverged years ago.  I will always care for him, I understand that.  I have a lot of baggage from our marriage, but I also have lots of happy memories from when it was good.  It will take me a while to deal with this.  


So good and bad today.  Good for my journey to find out what I have, bad to find out that we are talking a mass pressing on Larry's brain.  I had a good time with Judy.  We missed Mary, but she is always with us.  I had a good first appointment with the colonoscopy doctor.  I mean anytime you can laugh with your doctor and yet know that he is competent and professional is amazing.  I am struggling a little with everything so far today.  

The New Doctor

A new day, a new doctor, a new hospital, a new start. 

I love our new doctor.  First, he looks like a young Antonio Bandera.  He is from Lebanon, yet his accent is very subtle.  He is young, passionate about what he does and believes in staying up with all the latest information.  Even when he is saying life expectancy is 12 – 24 months, it does not sound like a death sentence.  He filled me with hope. 

He said that the type of cancer that I have been diagnosed with is a stage 4.  But he calls it “cup”, carcinoma unknown primary.  Then he took a few minutes to review the records with Judy and me that Dr. B’s office had sent over.  Mary is in Roseland with Mr. Moon and could not be there today.  It felt like she was there with us, she is such an important part of this journey.    

But Dr. M said that he could not determine, based on the tests that have been run so far what type of cancer I have.  So now, I will have the PET scan.  Dr. B said it was of no value.  This new doctor said, it is standard practice and very important to help diagnose this cancer.  He also has set up an upper and lower endoscopy.  OK, I am not excited about getting a colonoscopy, but it is an important test to determine what type of cancer I have. 

I was fine with Dr. B’s diagnosis.  I mean I can go on line and find it.  And I had to have a positive attitude and do the best I could by the doctor I had.  But that was before months into the treatment, that he finally decided to make the “incurable” cancer statement.  After that, and honestly a couple of other things, I lost confidence in him.  It is hard to go through what you have to with cancer if you do not have faith in your doctor.

OK, Dr. M is saying incurable, but he said it the very first visit.  He also said whatever the type of cancer, it is stage 4 because it has metastasized, but until we know more about the primary source, we cannot make any prognosis. 

He was very professional, personable and passionate.  He actually did a physical exam.  Dr. B never touched me that I remember.  Dr. M got in there and checked the lymph nodes.  He seemed positive after that exam.  He has already set up the endoscopy and I should know more about the colonoscopy tomorrow, and then the PET scan, and then more blood work before next Friday.  He wants to be able to determine as much about this cancer as quickly as possible so he can develop the plan. 

After the chemo did not appear to affect the cancer, Dr. B was basically done with me.  There was no talk about future care, it was call me if you need something.  Dr. M made it clear that this is for the rest of my life.  He isn’t promising me a longer life, but he did make it clear that he was in for the long haul.  And everyone we met today was professional and so personable.  And the facility is beautiful.  And they don’t just take in to consideration of the patient, but also the caregivers that bring the patient in.

Can you tell how hopeful I feel?  I mean I really don’t have that much more to be hopeful about, but I feel more hopeful.  I feel like this doctor is going to do his best to give me a life.  A life for however long it lasts.  I still don’t believe it is how long you live.  It is how well you live, and that is what he is offering me.

I felt so good that when I talked to Rich this evening I told him that if he still had the opportunity to go to NY for Thanksgiving, I wanted to go with him.  I mean if I am only going to live a few more years, I am not waiting to live.  I can’t make any decisions yet concerning my retirement and how to deal with my money until I get the diagnosis, but I know that I have worked hard and put away money.  Yes, I have lived a busy and active life, and there is no reason to stop now.  Based on what the doctor finds with the tests will determine making arrangements for Vicki and me to go to Scotland.  I will never be rich, but I can do the things that are most important to me. 

The chemo might interfere with trying to determine the source of the cancer, but Dr. M thinks it is still worth looking.  He says that I might have to have more chemo, but that will be based on more tests and information.  Not the buckshot chemo treatment, as Judy put it.  Try the most common chemo and hope it is close enough.  Dr. M of course did not say anything directly against Dr. B.  But he did refer to the treatment that I had gotten from Dr. B as what a doctor reading a book can do.  The treatment will only be as up to date as the book, and really, anyone can do that.  Dr. M wants more facts so that he can search for the best and latest treatment to give me the best opportunities he can. 

I don’t remember everything that happened or was said today.  I just remember I liked how this man talked to us, treated us and when we went to leave, Judy and I stuck out our hands to him and said, “Welcome to our Team”  He made some comment about how excited he was to be a part of our team.  Now that is special. 

Hope.   Hope does not mean everything is going to be fixed immediately.  That is what our President keeps trying to remind us.  Hope is the starting place.  There is a lot of hard work that comes after hope.  And just because I have hope, it doesn’t mean that I am going to live forever.  But it does mean that I have hope that this journey is going to be the best journey I can have.  I just can’t believe that I could be dead in the next year or even within 5 years.  I feel so alive.  I am not afraid.  It just does not feel real.  Maybe that is what hope does for us.  It makes us feel alive and that anything is possible.  Let’s not forget to do the work to make that happen.  And I am ready.  I have the hope, and I am ready to do what this man asks of me to give him the information to give me the best treatment possible.

Hope.  A new day, a new doctor, a new hospital, a new start.

A new day tomorrow

So this week has crept along. We have been busy at work.  I have the most amazing staff.  I know I have said this before, but really, no raise in the last like 5 years, we are now working at about half staff with the same work load and everyone keeps coming back each day.  In fact because we are now testing a new commerce site so that we can start the process of accepting credit cards for payment, they have all come in early so that they can get their regular work done as well as do this new testing.  And the IT section is having meetings and asking lots of questions, and they are right there.  In fact they were coming up with such great ideas and giving out such great information, I left the meeting to man the phones and let them attend the meeting.  OK, I am not crazy about meetings, but honestly I was trying to use my Certified Public Manager training.  After all I have my certification or whatever it is called and I like to use what they taught me.  It really does make a difference, and what I didn't want to run into was group think.  This is where everyone goes along with the boss in the room.  So I took the boss out of the room and delegated the authority to them to make any necessary decisions and changes, with my final approval.  But I rarely have to make any changes to their decisions.  And it has taken a while to get the other people like the IT Section to not worry about me being in the meeting, but letting them instead work with the people who have done the work the longest, get the best input and then just send me an email about any changes so that I can sign off on it.  It works well, and now with my cancer and being gone so much, the staff has really responded and they just blow me away.  Giving people the power to have input and make decisions about their own destiny, work wise, brings the best out of my staff, and I can't help but think that it would work with most groups.  That is once you have properly delegated them the authority and respect to participate.


I heard from my Ex husband at the beginning of the week.  He was in the hospital in Brandon with an aneurysm or something pressing on his brain.  I also think it was bleeding.  It was hard to tell because by this point he was unable to do much more then the most basic communication, and that was difficult to understand.  It does explain some of his extraordinary behavior when he was here.  He was more aggressive and was already having problems talking, but he had been drinking so much by the time I got home each day (I would find the glasses with the remains of the alcohol) I naturally did not think any more then he was drunk.  I have seen it more days then not in the last 5 years.  They relieved the pressure on his brain by drilling a hole in the left side of his skull.  He is doing much better now.  I understand that he will be going up to stay with his oldest brother Carl when he first gets out of the hospital.  I am glad that he and Carl will have this time together.  Maybe they can get to be friends.  It seems like the last couple of years he and his brother Sandy have started to become friends.  Carl must be at least 73 or so, Sandy a couple years younger then that and Larry will be 61 in February.  I am glad to see them getting together again.  I am glad he has family to go to at this time.


I have tried to call the doctor's office this week to find out if they have received the medical records, but I could never get through to anyone.  So we will just see tomorrow what they have gotten.  I had something to do each day after work, so I was able to avoid going to get copies of my records for my own records.  I know I need to do it, but it is more then I have been able to face.  I start out all brave, have my will drawn up.  Find out how to get my titles changed to add my brothers to it, so when I am gone they will not have to pay probate on it, talk to people about all of the choices and options for my retirement.  I have looked into all of this, but I still have 3/4 of it yet to finish taking care of.  I have been given lots of good ideas, and now I have a few more things to look into.  


And my mind is clearer, but my stamina is still pretty low.  I am not complaining.  I know that this will go away at some point.  And in the meantime I am trying to learn how to take care of myself.  I do like a quarter of what I used to do, but it still feels like too much.  And who knows what this new doctor is going to try.  It is sad to think I have such a slow lethargic cancer that standard chemo can't get rid of it because it attacks the fastest growing cells, and my cancer is not the fastest growing cells.  Go figure.  Of course Linda and I laughed and laughed that neither of us are surprised that I got the strange cancer.  I have never been one to do what is normal.  I guess that goes all the way into my genes.  Go figure.  





So I am trying to get back to a normal life.  A new normal.  A life where I live with my cancer.  Where every thought, every sentence, every moment is not centered around cancer.  The Copernicus of my life, my cancer.  Well, it is time to learn to put it in its place.  Maybe my hair will start to grow back in, that will help to give me back a life that is not focused first on cancer.  A life where I can be just another person.  Yes, I know my life will not be the same as it was a year ago.  Whose life is the same?  I don't know, maybe there are people whose life is happy, static for the most part, predictable and stable.  OK, I don't want that.  But I would like to have a life that contains adventures and grows and changes, but again, is not focused on what I can't do, but focused again on what I can do.  I doubt that I will work as long as I had always planned.  OK, a change in my plans, but if I make the right decisions, that is a good thing.  A new and exciting time in my life where I can maybe get back to gardening.  Where I nurture a new life.  A life where I might get up each morning and the warming of the day will already find me in the garden. Where I can get up each morning and have a cup of tea and finally have the time to read the paper, or take a walk or focus on what needs to be done here at Labrun, instead of the office.  I have worked for the people of Florida for more then 30 years.  I have done that because I liked working with the people.  I liked the opportunity to help people understand the pesticide rules and regulations.  Where I got to spend time on farms and plant nurseries.  I have gotten to travel all around this country and work with some of the most amazing people.  I have gotten to go up in helicopters, ride in air boats, see from the pilot's perspective a fixed wing application of fertilizer.  I have gotten to be a part of regulations and education; of Enforcement and compliance.  I have gotten to try and put common sense in these rules and policies and to let the people who work in these areas have their voices heard.  And I am not done yet.  But it might be time to think about another journey.  After all we are all taking many journeys at one time.  We are mothers and daughters, friends and co-workers, we all wear many hats and I am ready to focus on other parts of my journey that are not all about cancer.  It is time to see what other possibilities have opened up now that I have cancer.  It has given me new options.  No matter if those options are not what I always thought I would have, they are new options.  They can be gifts if I let them.  

What a fine birthday

I started celebrating my birthday on Tuesday.  I had picked up two delicious cakes from Costco, one chocolate layer cake filled with chocolate mousse and the other vanilla layer cake filled with vanilla mousse.  Bob, my friend from work brought a pumpkin cheesecake bundt cake.  Everyone was happy.  There was also ice cream, but basically, it was just a chance for people at work to slip by and get cake, take a break for a few minutes from the daily grind and then slip back with plates filled with sweet sugary goodness.

The next day was the doctor visit.  I feel more and more comfortable with the fact that I may very well have cancer for the rest of my live.  The fact that I have cancer does not mean that my life will be less or shorter.  It simply means I will live with two incurable diseases.  The most important lesson to learn is not how to live with cancer.  No, it is about learning to live being more aware of each moment.  I have always been more of a big picture person.  Well, in the sense that I thought that by seeing the big picture and all the possibilities lay out in front of me that I could do it all.  I could be a member of the stage company, even be the chairman, and work on every play that we put on at the Opera House and then work on every fund raising event and be on the Board for the Opera House beside the stage company.  Then be the chairman of our little garden circle, and as active in the club as possible.  And be the manager of the certification section with the Department of Ag & Consumer Services.  And as my staff shrank from budget cuts, to work more and more with my staff to make sure that we keep up with our work so that the Applicators can do their work.  So now, I have my own work and the work to help my staff, and take care of my home and gardens and animals.  I went 24/7, seriously.  Go, go, go.  It started as a way to avoid coming home and spending anytime with my then husband.  I suppose it was hard on him, his drinking increased and he became addicted to crack.  Although I cannot say when that started because now as I look back I realize that he had been do that for years and years.  When I first moved here, it was just me and Maggie and Lily and my cats.  It was magical, beautiful, peaceful.  Then he came up and my life started to spin out of control, by my hand in a serious case of denial.  Then anytime after that if there was something I wanted to do, I crammed it into a schedule that was not healthy.  Sure, I ate well, I exercised, I drank in moderation, but I did not take time to really enjoy everything I was doing.  I did not take time to rest, but every 4 - 6 weeks or so I would stop for a weekend and stay in bed until I was able to pull myself out and off I would go again.  And even after he was finally off the property, I continued to run myself into the ground, burn the candle from both ends, go nonstop. 

And one day last April, Ms Moon gently touched me on the arm and said I was worrying her.  She was afraid I was going to come down with pneumonia, with pleurisy.  And as usual, she was more right then we could possibly understand.  And so turning this back around to my birthday, that gift of her touch on my arm is the greatest gift I could ever have asked for.  It slowed me down enough to catch the train I am on now.  And the reality that it is not how many experiences you have in this world.  But how much you enjoy each adventure, each experience, each journey. I know that I will never stop wanting to have adventures.  Shoot, I would still love to wing walk or at the very least get to ride in an open cockpit airplane.  I want to walk on Hadrian's Wall in Scotland with Vicki and stand on our property, side by side looking out to the castle and the river and the lovely old distinguished trees standing now as they did centuries ago for the druids.  

So back to Friday, my birthday, 55 years old.  I have never lied about my age.  I never needed to.  I looked years younger then my true age for the majority of my life.  I was seriously carded well into my mid to late 30s.  It was until I turned 50 and quit dying my hair that I went from looking 10 years younger then I was to looking 10 years older.  My face and skin, muscle tone and weight did not age me.  I worked hard to exercise, eat well, watch my weight, but now that my hair was more silver/white/gray then brown, the perception was that I was older.  It was shocking the first few times people spoke to me that way, but I realized it was the hair color, and I was happy to stop the 35 year habit of coloring my hair, drying it out, harshly disrespecting it.  I liked the color of my hair.  I had gotten a white streak, very Cruella deVille when I was 15.  I started coloring it then.  And for my 55^th birthday I have no hair.  But I like myself.  I have the most amazing friends, dear sweet beloveds all over the planet, and many beyond this earth wherever they are.  My loved ones do not go away.  They stay in my heart, my eyes, the smiles on my face as I remember each person.  And my heart was overfilled with such love and kindness and sweet dear thoughts this year.

I had so many emails, phone calls and postings on my face book, cards and presents.  It has been such a wonderful birthday, just based on the number of people contacting me.  I appreciate every single person, each thought, each wish, each prayer. 

The party at Mary’s was perfect.  All of her kids, except Jason who was at work were there.  Owen definitely enjoyed my birthday way more then his own, and he kindly helped to unwrap presents and to ooh and ah along with me.  And the gifts were all so thoughtful from everyone.  And the presents have been coming for weeks.  I feel so special.  I feel so loved.  Most of my beloveds from the Stage Company were there, even if just for a moment, like Colin zooming in and out after attending a private violin concert.  We laughed and talked and ate.  Oh did we eat!  We had food from all over the world and delicious.  Mary made greens and pinto beans and cornbread.  There was shrimp salad, quiche, sandwiches and salad, a spicy pasta salad made by our Malaysian cook and Spicy garbanzos made by Geeta, Fred and Marcy brought a home made dark chocolate ice cream that went wonderfully with Mary’s amazing carrot cake, and smoked salmon, cheese, chips and dip, and the table creaked a little under the weight of the food.  And we ate and ate and drank and laughed and my heart was filled to overflowing to be in the presence of these dear beloved ones.

The party did not go late, I was home before 10.  Yesterday I met Bob in town and we spent the morning at the St. Marks Monarch Butterfly Festival.  The weather was perfect that time in the morning, cool a light breeze and the sky clear and blue.  We watched them tag the butterflies and how they check for diseases, etc.  We stopped and perused the booths, Bob bought me a red potterweed from the Lincoln High School plant nursery.  The man at the booth threw in a portulaca to boot.  I will have to over winter them in the greenhouse, but that is why I have a greenhouse.  We had such a lovely time.  He offered to take me on to the Stone Crab Festival, but I don’t like crowds and by the time we had done the walking with the butterfly festival I knew I had had enough time on my feet. 

I came home and watched movies and rested.  I feel so much better…..mentally, but physically I am still coping with the exhaustion.  My hands and feet are still numb and although I have a healthy appetite, eating still has not come back to normal.  But I am adjusting to a new reality, a reality of living with cancer.  Hopefully our new doctor will come up with some creative treatment and who knows what he will be able to do.  And it does not matter at this point.  I am strong, healthy and alive and plan to continue that journey.  I still don’t want to focus on the end of the journey.  I still want to remember each precious moment of this journey.  Not all of it is about health and cancer.  Sometimes it is about birthdays and life, friendships and good food, a little wine, a beer or two and a wonderful conversation.  Or just driving along with a good friend celebrating the amazing migration of tiny brightly colored winged creatures as they travel from the Midwest to Mexico.  Flutter wings passing through our lives.  And if we plant some milkweed, parsley, porterweeds and other favorites of our winged friends they just may stop by and flutter and feed through our gardens as they follow the path of their kind for generations. 

A wonderful birthday, a reminder that we are all here for such a short time, but it is up to us to make it spectacular.  The only way I know how to do that is by filling my life with pollen and flowers, but also with memories of times with friends and with those people that I love with all my heart.