Scan Results

The scan results are the same as April.  No change.  The same.  Good news he said. Then why am I feeling so what?  I don't know.  


This morning as we drove to the doctor's Mary was tired from not sleeping, I was hyper.  I could have sat in a corner by myself and talked nonstop going faster and faster until even dogs could not hear me.  I really tried to control it, but I know that I drove Mary a little insane. 


Ok, here is one reason I am feeling, anxious? disappointed? depressed? umm no those aren't quite right?  I had the first CTscan in April.  I had had many chest X-rays and each time they were the same, no change.  So it is not like the chemo is holding this disease at bay.  


The cancer is not spreading.  My lungs are not filling with fluid.  But the fluid had not increased from April until they aspirated the fluid, around 400 cc, from my pleural/lung area.  So the fact that the fluid has not returned does not necessarily mean much to me.  I mean other then comfort.  I can breathe so much better and I am not having the severe pain from the pleurisy.  Mary pointed these out to me.  She is right, I am so much better in those ways.  I can walk and do more physical things now then before they pulled the fluid off.  It is hard to remember that when I am dealing with the side effects of the chemo.  


So yes, today was good news, and Dr. B was pleasant and didn't look so shocked and scared of us, so that was good.  And I had questions and I asked them and Dr. B answered them.  He looked so much more comfortable with us.  It was a good visit, and a visit that did not end in chemo.  That is good.  I will get to celebrate my birthday no worse then I am now.  That is good.  I might even be a little better maybe a little stronger.  Dr. B was very open to a second opinion and said that he would call Archibald for an appointment for me for.  We left on some of the best terms that we have had.


Why am I not happier?  Did I really subconsciously think it would be gone?  Did I think I was healed?  I know that I had hope that things would be better, that somehow this would not be incurable.  I know I hoped for that.  I just didn't think that I had set my heart to that so hard.  I have incurable cancer.  It is not getting worse, it is not getting better.  It is not spreading, I am not in pain or discomfort or have any problems because of it.  I am not sick.  I don't get nauseous except for a day or two on the chemo and that is controlled with a single pill.  This is all good.  I feel healthy, strong.  Alive.  I am alive.  There is no reason to think that I will not be alive for years to come.  


Now I rest.  No chemo to wear out my body for a little while now.  This is good news.  I was set for the chemo today.  It is the pattern that I have set in my life for the last several months.  I know it, I am used to it.  I was getting used to the side effects.  I felt strong that I could handle it.  But not having to deal with the chemo is definitely preferable.  And with my birthday just two days away and maybe having friends coming through town during that time, and the St. Marks Monarch Butterfly Festival on Saturday and a St. Andrews party not to mention baby Colin's birthday party, well this is a big weekend and will be much more enjoyable without the struggles with chemo.  I might even be able to do most of these things.  This is all good.  


So again, why don't I feel better?  I know more today about my little "c" then I did before, or I should say that what I knew before has been reinforced.  And that news changes this from a ferocious cancer to once again my little "c", the wimpy, slow moving cancer.  


Each time I learn more about my disease I have to process it.  Sometimes that takes minutes, other times days or even weeks as I roll it around my brain.  I am sure as I work through this I will realize how good the news today was.  Mary and Judy understand.  That is 2/3rds of us.  


And we had a wonderful celebration morning to replace the chemo.  And before the Doc came in we talked and laughed and had our usual good time.  Then we talked with the doctor and we all felt like it went well.  From there to Broken eggs for mimosas and delicious food.  More laughter.  Then to Goodwill where the tags on the clothes spoke of high dollar and Goodwill did too.  Mary had found this lovely silk dress with velvet that fit me and a couple of shirts.  I put the skirts and sweaters back, they were lovely, but the prices were too high for me.  Each of us got something.  Then Mary and I went to Lily's Publix, where shopping is a pleasure.  A lovely morning.


I have lived with an incurable disease already.   For 25 years I have lived with an incurable disease in my liver and I live an active, happy life.  Busier then most, strong and healthy.  So now I have an incurable disease on my lungs and bones.  Is that how it is going to be with me?  Will I just keep getting incurable diseases until there is no more room for incurable?  Well, we all will have our bodies die in this world sometime.  That is how it goes. You are born, you live your life, or not, and then you die.  It is not that you live and die, it is how you live your life.  It is not the beginning or the end of the journey, it is the journey itself.  I have said this over and over, and many people have said the same thing.  They know too.  


So I shall live my life.  I will take this journey and try to notice as many moments as possible.  I am strong, I am healthy, I am alive.  I am alive and I plan to be this way for, well, I don't know that anymore then anyone else, but I do know, the doc gave us good news. 


I am alive
good news

CTscan

So I drank the delicious banana flavored barium.  Let me just say that was some of the most foul substance I have ever put in my mouth.  Big gag time reflex.  But I was able to get it down with about 3 glasses of water in just under 30 minutes.  I woke up all night running to the bathroom and I would drink another glass of water when I woke up. I struggled with trying to keep it down all night.  I knew that I if it didn't then that would mean no scan today.  And I got up early and this time within 20 minutes I was able to get the second one down.  Well, I didn't actually vomit it back up, but that is only because as it started to come up, I would do whatever it took to not vomit.  As soon as I got into the office for the scan, I asked for a vomit bag.  I didn't need it, but I wasn't sure.  And then I had to drink some of the vanilla to "top off my stomach"  I have to say that my stomach felt topped off.  But the vanilla was much better.  


So they did the abdomen scan and they did a chest scan.  I will ask Dr. B tomorrow about why are we doing abdomen scans.  Does he think it is spreading, or is he just making sure.  That is part of the problem with him is that we don't understand what he is doing so we do not know what to think.  Hopefully we will get some answers tomorrow.  I hope so, it will help as I listen to the second opinion to understand what Dr. B thinks.  The Radiation Therapist spoke very highly of Archibald.  So that is reassuring.  And the scans went just fine and I am very curious to see what they find.  I am not looking forward to future scans if I have to drink that horrid barium, not to mention the dye that makes you feel like you are wetting yourself in a public place.  The Therapist said he could work with me to drink the barium solution in water at the office if I have trouble in the future getting down the vanilla flavored source.  I told him that I hope that things are going well enough that I will need to have another scan in the future.




Then I went to work with my cakes.  Bob brought a delicious pumpkin cheesecake flavored bundt cake.  It was wonderful.  I had the chocolate mouse and vanilla mouse cake.  People came by I gave them cake and for the most part they left shortly after, most of them to go get their lunch.  It was perfect and a good time and good cake was had by all.  Although I only had a taste I can definitely recommend the cakes from CostCo.  Thanks Denise!!!  You were right.  I heard several people say that it was better then a Publix cake.  I got lots of sweet and funny cards, and it was very special.


Tonight as I sat finishing up the renewals it was just getting dark and I heard Bea screaming.  I grabbed a flashlight and ran out to the coop.  Bea was huddled in a corner screaming, feathers every where.  I did not see the perpetrator but Bea is missing lots of feathers and has some serious scratches and bite marks on her butt.  Chicken engineering is amazing with all those feathers and down that help a chicken survive.  It must take quite a bit to get through the feathers and down to the chicken.  She was so upset, but calmed down quickly when I picked her up and stroked her then put her in a corner on the nesting box.  Dani and Buttercup sleep in the very tip top corner of the roof over the nesting box just under the eve of the coop.  It takes a bit to get at them, so they are safer.  Bea is fine, and I tried to put barriers up in the rabbit holes, I have no other idea on how and who is getting in there and eating my chickens.  Poor Bea she is going to be uncomfortable for a few days.


I have now gotten past the first of the people involved birthday events, and it was a success.  Now to relax and enjoy Friday at Mary's.  It will mostly be Stage Company people, but there may be a few people from Tallahassee. Tomorrow during chemo Mary, Judy and I will discuss Friday and what to do.


Vicki called and she sounds so happy.  I miss her so much, but she is in a good place in her life, and I am so happy for that.  She is an amazing woman!


That is all for today.  I need to get my list finished for Dr. B.  I have been thinking about it for a while, but haven't got it all put together.  I need to do that before I sleep tonight.  I think I will sleep well, what with no barium to deal with.  And tomorrow we will see if this chemo has helped at all.  I am hopeful.

Perspective on Cancer

As I sit here in my red chair stuffing renewal notices into envelopes I am watching the Public Television series on cancer.  I recorded it weeks ago and forget all about it until today.  It is very interesting and mostly a review of what I know about cancer, but very well presented and I am enjoying it.  I sit here and watch, stuff the envelopes and leak tears as they tell the different stories.  They have presented this disease in a very hopeful way, and I think what is the best thing they said, and keep saying over and over, your attitude makes a huge difference.


Most of the people in the show are in various degrees of baldness.  Another is they talk about  treating for the pain.  That is one of the things they can do, so they like to talk about that.  The coolest part was to see a guy getting radiation wearing a mask like what I wore.  


They talked about the roller coaster daily of emotions, and laughing even if you are dying of cancer.  Survivors talked about how much you love those around you as you get your perspective together with this disease.  All of the families talked about how for the most part it brought families closer, but not always.  Most of all, terminal or treatable, you have to continue to live.  It also was amazing how fast it can hit you at the end.  In those situations I know I would choose like one of the patients opted, hospice instead of continuing the treatments.  His wife had an opportunity to walk her husband to the other side.  And then he was gone.  I appreciate hearing this.  I hope not to need this for years to come, but dying is a lot more work then we think about sometimes, and it is helpful to hear about it in this perspective.  Somehow they told this man's story through the end of his journey and even though he is gone, it was a joyful story.


I am listening to these stories and some of them were angry, and asked why me.  Hmmm, I am not sure why.  Each person is different, and that is another thing they kept saying, cancer is as diverse as each person who gets it.  They also talked about other opinions from doctors.  The woman whose story was told asked why me, and she is a scientist, and once she got past the anger, she turned to science.  Even as a scientist she had to deal with months of emotional energy. And they also talked about how much we don't know.  Are 4 treatments enough?  Are 6 better?  We don't know a lot of these answers because they are making their best guess.  And as you have heard over and over, but it really is true, they are only practicing medicine.


One thing that I know is I am very lucky with with what I have experienced so far.  No blood cots, a strong immune system.  I am comfortable living with cancer.  I have no panic, I have almost welcomed this journey as a new adventure.  OK, so it hasn't been the most fun, not like jumping out of a plane or hot air ballooning, but I have got to hear from beloveds that I might not have stopped to make the time to talk to.  I just got to talk to my friend Jennifer.  She and I met in the second grade and were close all through school until we graduated from UF.   She moved back to Palmetto to be a school teacher.  I moved to Key West to become a Special Ed Ag teacher.  She went on to get her PhD in education and is still very involved in that field.  I taught one year and then tried something else.  Very different journeys in this life, but still dear friends.


Then I got to talk to Colleen, a friend from the Brooksville area.  She and our other friend Linda are planning a trip up.  I am looking forward to that.  Then I saw that Vicki had called, so I called her back and her life has taken an interesting twist.  I am not sure where it is heading, but I am thrilled for her, whichever way it goes.  Then I called Ms Moon and I shall call Judy and Denise shortly.  


I have a CTscan tomorrow morning.  Tonight I have to drink banana flavored barium.  I mean come on, who thinks making it banana flavored will help.  Then I have to get up a little early tomorrow morning to drink the other bottle of deliciousness.  I can't eat anything after midnight.  Well, I am asleep at that time, so that shouldn't be hard, but I do have to drink as much water as possible.  And if I told them that I had blood pressure problems or was diabetic I could even eat a light breakfast.  I am not diabetic, so no food for me.  But really won't I be full after those lovely bottles of banana flavored barium?  Yum.  But the scan is of my abdomen.  I am confused.  I thought the cancer was on my lungs and pleural lining.  I didn't think that an abdomen scan goes up to my lungs.  We will see Wednesday what Dr. B thought.  


I picked up my cakes at Costco today.  A chocolate layer cake and a vanilla layer cake.  I have plates, napkins and spoons.  Kelly is bringing the ice cream.  So hopefully we are all set.  I got most of the renewals stuffed, I can finish the rest tomorrow.  Now to eat dinner.  Geeta sent me a beautiful dinner and I am sure that I am going to enjoy it.  So a lovely day, very productive and another gorgeous day.  From my red chair I have a window to the back yard behind me and the front door looking through my little front porch to my gorgeous front yard.  The week has begun, a big week and so far, so good!

Aliens

Last night I stripped down and looked at myself, I mean really looked at myself.  I look like an alien. I don't mean someone from Mexico, I mean the kind that Signoury Weaver kills in the movies.  I have this tiny little head on top of this body that is lean, but not in shape.  Strong wide shoulders covered with skin that looks dry and loose.  The muscles are not toned, sort of like a being that is not used to living on this planet with our gravity.  My arms and legs are very long in comparison to my body and they are also very thin.  In other words I look very much like a movie maker's idea of an alien.  Add on how I move now with the lower stamina and exhausted muscles and I look like I am not used to this planet.


I guess it makes sense as you cope with this disease and go places you never knew existed let alone of going to, that your body would look and/or feel alien or foreign as the doctors use their WMDs.  My friend Susan said that it is healthy to see my body this way.  There are two basic groups.  Those who deny the disease and those that accept it and give into the treatments and the changes.  I can see how easy it would be to deny this disease.  I don't feel it . I am dealing with the side effects of chemo, not the symptoms of cancer.  Since the radiation took the pain away with the cancer on my bones I have not been in any pain from the actual cancer.  So right now, I could skip the chemo and deny that I have the little "c".  But the lab work says otherwise, and although this disease is an emotional disease, the lab work is fact.  


For the most part I have accepted my alien body, but then when I have to see people who have not seen me since I started this journey, I am so self conscience.  I am vain.  I don't look so bad in clothes, but without them, that is a different story.  And even though everyone sees me in clothes, obviously I don't walk around naked, I know what I look like under the clothes.  I am maintaining my weight.  All this week I have been around the 123 mark.  That is not too thin for me.  I have actually been able to pull clothes out of the back of my closet that fit me again.  I don't know that I was this thin before, but I think I was in better shape, tighter, firmer.  I kept up my exercises for a while, but I have let those slip away now.  I should do yoga and stretch out.  Funny how when your body needs it the most it is the hardest to do.  


Today was garden club.  We made reindeers out of pine cones.  I managed to make one.  I have cancer so no one makes fun of me when I do less then others.  And I can leave early and now no one thinks anything of it.  Sometimes having cancer is such a plus.  I love the ladies in our circle, but I am so inept at being around people.


I went out to feed the chickens and one of the peeps didn't make it.  The other two are looking good.  Yesterday I realized that someone was pecking them.  I suspect Bea so I moved her and the other two hens into one side of the coop and left Zora with her peeps in the other side.  This will let me give her as much time as possible with the peeps, but at some point, I am afraid I will have to take them away from her and keep them safe.  Peeps can get into places their mamas can't go, and then harm can come to them.  But we will see how things go, take it day by day.


It has been a lovely weekend.  I did manage to get the pansies and violas planted, and when I got up this morning they were still there.  The rabbits haven't eaten them yet.  I did put out rabbit food with scratch and most of that was gone.  So it would appear that domesticated rabbits, even those who live like wild ones,  actually prefer the pelleted rabbit food over plants.  Hmmm, who would have guessed.  


Geeta was supposed to come over this evening, but she had a family emergency, so we postponed this to another time.  I hope all is going to be OK with her family.  


So another week is upon us.  A week filled with cake and birthdays, chemo and friendships.  A busy week, I am ready for it.  

Peeps

Someone ate David Smith.  I can't tell Christopher that a raccoon ate his chicken.  Pat and I already talked about it this morning.  We will pull the gold fish switch and see if that helps.  If he figures it out, then this will be David Smith the second.  It had to be some kind of animal capable of getting in through the rabbit hole.   I suppose it could also be a fox.  I don't know.  All that was left was a pile of feathers and scat from the predator.  It was pretty big scat, so it could have been either of those creatures.  All I know is that David Smith is gone.  I cried.  I understand the circle of life, but sometimes it is just too much in my face.  sigh


But the same day I discovered David Smith gone, I checked on the other chickens and there sat Zora, in her shiny black feathers sitting on a nest of about a dozen eggs.  Well, there is one less egg because nestled into her chest feathers was the palest yellow, almost white peep.  Peeping away.  And now there are three.  sigh


Mary had just told me that her neighbor Carolyn had offered her some biddies.  We had both talked about not wanting to take on baby chickens at this point. It is a lot of work keeping them warm and clean and fed and watered, and safe.  And with winter just around the corner that means all the more care and attention they will need.  And now there are three peeps to take care of.  Zora will do a fine job, hopefully in the beginning, but as they get bigger, she will loose her focus and then nature takes it course, and that is just too much for me right now.  I would rather do all the work to try and keep them alive then to have to go out each day and pick up little dead bodies that have succumbed to some tragic ending.  sigh


I swear you give that Zora Neal just a day or two when your body is so beat up with chemo that you miss picking up a couple of eggs (she will bury them sometimes so that I can't find them) and she gets on that nest when she sees me coming and she is mean.  I will finally give up because I hate having her peck at me and then flap her wings up in my face and if I do get her off the nest then she will come at my legs.  Shoot anyone with that much passion deserves to sit on her eggs.  And for some reason I always believe that she will never hatch them.  But she does.  I have only had the Marvella twins who were so set on brooding.  But they only hatched out 2 peeps with all their efforts all those years.  I don't know why Zora can keep putting them out, when the Marvellas in their whole lives only managed the 2 between them.  I need to have a mind shift, and just be the biped, the one with the alleged bigger brain and find a way to keep her from sneaking eggs and then hatching them out.  


I hate to admit it though I love the babies.  I love the soft, fluffy peeps, making that noise that wakes some mother instinct in me.  I can almost tell you how many peeps there are before I even get into the coop to check for sure.  That is part of the bunny problem I have.  I tried to give them a happy life as close to their natural world as they wanted, and before I knew it I have bunnies all over the yard.  And those the size of a tennis ball, mostly golden colored with the soft white fur on their bellies.  The big eyes, the sweetness of a small fury adorable creature.  Sigh, I am a sucker for that.  So today when I plant my pansies and violets I know I have to keep in mind that they are very tasty and the bunnies are going to want them.  I think I will plant some in what had been an herb garden until the chickens and bunnies got to it.  Now it is an unattractive large half filled dirt pile in a container we used for the fountain in Hot Dogs and Cool Cats.  


Herb had painted himself with clown white and played the part of a statue that when the dogs weren't looking could move.  The kids loved it.  Shoot, they loved Herb.  He is a big teddy bear of a man and he can think like children.  He held a blue fish in his hand that squirted water out of it's mouth.  The problem was that the pump was not strong enough to push the water out the fish unless he held it down near his legs.  So from some angles it did not look like he was holding a fish, if you get my drift.  The kids loved that even more.  Bathroom humor is a stage that all kids go through, and even the shyest of children had shiny eyes full of laughter and sparkle when Herb did his fish thing.  He also taught me and two 16 year old boys how to do stage combat and the three of us had a scene where I played the part of the old grandmother cat and they played the parts of two bad dogs.   The scene involved fencing with gaint knitting needles and yarn.  Michael was always afraid of hurting me, but Jeff was fearless.  He and I went at it like, well, like cats and dogs.  But Michael hated to attack me, but it worked just fine with Jeff looking so aggressive in his Dalmatian face and Michael so nervous in his golden retriever face.  The audience loved that too.  


I think I will pick up some close fit together fencing and close in the reclaimed planter.  I have a bag of potting soil so I can fill the planter back up and fence it and then plant some baby greens for salads and put some of my viola johnny jump ups in it too.  I use the flowers and the leaves of all the plants in the violet family, including the wild ones for salads.  I use other wild greens and flowers in my salads too, but it is so dry right now, there is not much in the way of wild greens at this time.  I also grow other flowers just to use for eating.  I usually do a program with the Garden circle involving edible flower and garden plants.  I love the flowers, but I love more enjoying their delicate flavors and color in my food.


We had a fire at the Jefferson County Animal Sthis past week, so I am going to head up to the post office for the fund raiser.  No animals were harmed, but this is a big expense for our little shelter.  And after I go there I think I will go to the pumpkin patch at the Waukeenah Methodist church and see if they have a fun pumpkin.  I already have a few pumpkins.  I never cut them.  Well, unless I eat them.  Otherwise I just have pumpkins sitting around my house, inside and out.  I love their colors and shapes.  I have one blue pumpkin I grew last year that is still strong and beautiful sitting on a shelf in my house.  I had a squash one time for almost 2 years before something got through the tough shell and it started to go bad.  Then I fed it to the chickens.  The flesh is too hard for them to eat mostly, but if you let it sit for a couple of days the insect creatures that come to feast on the gourds is like Halloween candy to the chickens, so the circle of life continues 


"It ain't necessarily so" by Willie Nelson just came on and Bob loves to dance to it.  The dog, not my friend from work.  He stands up on his back two legs and we sway and then I let go and spin around and so does he and then back up he comes on those strong legs.  Our dancing has wakened Harry who clambers off the couch still sleepy eyed and dances with me also.  Harry can no longer get up on his back legs.  He is large and old but he loves to sway back and forth and I hold his shoulders and dance around him.  He still loves to dance.  And then the song is over and I sit down and finish this record of today.  Bob gets up in the other red chair.  Harry falls back asleep where he is on the floor.  I need to get up and get dressed and up town to the fund raiser.  The day is bright.  The green is that deep tired green of fall that is dark and intense with a spring and summer filled with different greens, now slowing down.  The temperature is getting warm enough that I can be comfortable outside.  I don't like cold weather.  I never complain about the heat, but once it drops below 50 forget it, I am going to whine.  But it looks like a good day.  My muscles are still slow to react, but the dancing helped, maybe.  I know that I am getting up and getting things done.  I may be tired, but at the end of the day, I would rather be able to see accomplishments and be tired, then to just be beaten down tired.  Get up, get going.  The day is fine, life is good and waiting.

Friday

For the last two weeks I have been trying to pick a project at work each day and set a goal to finish it.  So sometimes I had to work a little longer at work to meet my goal, and it caught up with me today.  I got a lot done that way, but I wore myself out.  Today as I was walking down the stairs I got so tired I had to stop and rest.  I always park at the top of the hill because I feel strong to be able to get up and down those stairs.  Half way down this morning I thought how am I going to get back up if I can't get down.  But I made it down and I got a lot of work done and I made it back up those stairs.  


Bruce and Kelly my Chief and Assistant Chief at work came into my office this morning and asked me if I would like to make my birthday party into a luncheon.  No, I said, I don't want people to think of this as a party, I just want them to come by and get a piece of cake, and ice cream, Kelly would add quickly, and then go.  I am not serving drinks because I don't want people to sit down and eat cake, I just want to pick up their plate and leave.  They assured me that everyone thought of this as a party and that they were not coming to pick up cake, and ice cream, and leave.  Well, I guess I should have kept my mouth closed, and then I could have gotten the cake and rolled it around on a cart and delivered the cake.  Everyone loves cake, and I always think it is rude to not celebrate your birthday because then you are denying everyone of cake.  That is just impolite to deny people of cake.  So with everything going on with me, I just felt like I should celebrate my birthday and bring cake, and ice cream, and share them with my friends at work.  That is what I was thinking.  Everyone, and I mean everyone else thinks it is a party, with cake, and ice cream.  Oh, well, I will just stand there cutting cake and that will limit conversations to "thank you", "That is so sweet", "I am so glad that you could make it", "Don't you look great?"  I can handle that.  It is the conversations after the first pleasantries that I am not very good with.  Sigh, I really wish I thought more like normal people.


It has been quiet these last couple of days.  I was going to go to the doctor's office and try to get some answers and order copies of my records.  But I am just too worn out to argue and deal with that.  So I have a new plan.  I will sit down this weekend and try and organize an outline of all the questions I guess I never thought to ask when this journey began.  See if on Wednesday when we meet with Dr. B if I can get a logical order and understanding of what he thinks and why, and what is his plan, and then to discuss a second opinion.  


I did get to stop and have lunch on the porch with Ms Moon, and that was lovely, and now the temperatures are dropping quickly.  Time to pull out the down comforter, snuggle down in bed and take a quiet weekend at home.  Ms Moon sent home dinner, some of her delicious spaghetti.  That is special.


Geeta is coming over on Sunday for a girl's visit.  I am looking forward to getting to spend time with her.  She sent me blessed nuts from the dance festival.  That was special.


It is Friday, I survived another week, a little worn out, but a weekend to recoup.  Maybe I will plant my pansies and violets.  The days are supposed to be mild and filled with sunshine.           

Another Sequel?

Jack and Jan came over last night for dinner.  I made a salad, Jan made a vegetarian shepherd's pie.  The meal was delicious.  Judy had come over earlier and we had drank champagne celebrating Judy's day.  It appeared that the Ex had been calling about every hour.  Then it was every half hour then every 15 minutes.  I finally answered the phone when it got to where he was calling less then 10 minutes apart.  I answered politely and sweetly, "hello" Instead of the "WHAT?!?!"  that was my first reaction.  You see I had an epiphany after I finished writing the last blog.  I don't keep letting him into my life for him, but for myself.  Because every time we part since about a year before we were divorced it ended badly.  Usually very badly.  And what I realized was I understood he is a master button pusher, and I end up at some point letting that button pushing set me off and then I act badly, whether a slap or yelling or the language.  Whatever, I let him push my buttons and I give in each time he contacts me because I want a do over.  I want to end this 25 year relationship as friends.  Well, it just ain't going to happen.  


After I said "hello" there was the sober voice of my Ex, "are you OK?" he asks.  "Yes, why?" I asked.  He said he had been trying to reach me and I was not answering the phone.  I explained I had company, what did he want.  He was in Monticello and wanted to come by to pick up the rest of his things.  I told him that he didn't have to wait for me, he could get his stuff out of the barn.  Most of the stuff in the barn had been his anyway.  I can lock the house and I really don't want to play this again.  He said he would be by around 1:00.  I called Judy and asked her to meet me at the house about the same time.


I got up this morning, got ready for work and dressed a little nicer for a photo with out going Commissioner Bronson because of the united way campaign.  I even put on makeup and then drove to work, did the "photo shoot" and then headed back to the office.  There were a lot of things to handle so I didn't leave until almost quarter to 1:00.  When I got home he was here finish packing his car.  He again hit me up for money.  Did I mention that this past week while he was staying at my house he was sneaking into my bedroom and taking money out of my change jar.  He told me that the people he was staying with had stolen all of his money.  I told him that it didn't matter if you stole a little from someone or a lot it was still stealing.  And then I filled a sandwich bag with what change was left from my change jar and I gave it to Larry and I told him that here was his 30 pieces of silver.  I never said anything mean, I took him to the gas station and put gas in his truck.  I want him to leave.  He tried hard to be nice and leave as friends.  I didn't respond either way.  I didn't give him any opportunity to push a button.  Every time he started to head in that direction again, I would change the subject.  So when I got home I pulled a bottle of Korbel out of the frig and Judy and I celebrated finally the ending I always hoped for.  So is this the end of the story now?  I hope so.  I know that I am ready to move on.  And I feel the closure where I didn't let him push my buttons.  


Then I got an email from a friend who had just caught up information from a month ago.  He asked me if I have given up.  I burst into tears.  Have I given up?  I am not happy with the miscommunication I am having with Dr. B.  And yet, I am so overwhelmed I can't think.  I have so many things to take care of right now.  I am trying to be a good steward of my life and estate, take care of the best opportunities retirement wise just in case I live another 5 or 10 or 20 years, and then normal life things and work and now having to make some hard decisions about my changes to my medical care.  It is too much.  And after the week I had last week, I just want to pull the covers over my head and weep.  So I sat here in my red chair and cried and cried.  Bob, the dog, came and sat in my lap and laid his head on mine.  He just sat there quietly and I wrapped my arms around that sweet dog and cried it out.  Then Harry and Maggie came up.  I thought they also wanted to support me, no they wanted a milk bone.  Well, they are dogs after all. 


Tomorrow at work Sonia and Robin are coming up.  They are my staff in G'villeok.  And if it is not, well, it will be what it is.