I have been pretty worthless the last couple of days.  Tired, sad, confused, not sleeping well, you know the run of mill change of seasons type of thing.  I don't know why but it just seems that as the seasons change and we are in that in between time life can get a little bumpy.  I have had the best of intentions when I lay down at night of what I should do first in the morning and what I should leave until later in the day.  But I wake up over and over in the night and by morning I am just completely worn out.  I drag myself out of bed, feed the animals with full intention of going back to bed to see if now that it is light maybe I can get some sleep.  It is taking me awhile to work these negative things out of my mind.   Loosing sleep, isn't helping to do that.  But as much I need sleep, it has never been something that came naturally to me.  Being up and doing has always been more of my nature.


And with that said, I see where I have cut back on so many things that I used to do.  I do so much less then ever in my life.  And that is purposeful.  That has been something that I have really focused on since I have had the little c.  Maybe that is why I am so sensitive when people say I always do too much.  I am trying to find a place where I am happy and comfortable and it is hurts when people pigeon hole you into something that you are working so hard on.  So much so, that when people asked me about my bucket list I really didn't have much to put on it.


Also, I would like to bring up the point that I am not Jack Nicholson and do not have an unlimited amount of funds to fly to Nepal and climb mountains.  Part of the reason I do not have buckets full of money is because I tried to live a balanced life when it came to saving and doing.  I have to say that is something that I did actually do a pretty good job of balancing for a long time.  Of course then with my ex husband running through that hard saved money I do not have what I had planned on, but I will be just fine.


I have given this bucket list thing a lot of thought over the past 2 years, and I realized as I did my walks on the beach that what was more important to me was to enjoy these moments instead of having to race off and do everything I could before I died.  I have spent most of my life trying to do that.  And now that I have been told again that I may not live forever, it is not things I want, or to race through the rest of my life.  Instead I want to be here for my life.  Right here.  With my family and friends and animals and plants.  


The Sound of Music opens this next weekend.  I have volunteered to serve dinners one night.  That is right, only one night.  Normally I serve every show.  But this is not a Stage Company production, so I do not feel obligated to work as hard.  The Stage Company is a volunteer organization.  M&M also donates money to the Opera House also, but one of my jobs when I am directing or assisting or stage managing a play is to set up servers.  So that is why I do so much for those shows, but for this play, I have volunteered for one night to serve because I want to support the Opera House and I want this show to be a success.  


Yesterday I drove the toy down to Trenton with the 4 roosters.  They did not appreciate the convertible as much as I do, so I put the top up.  I had covered the kennel up, but one corner kept blowing up and rather then being irritated, I just put the lid up.  I got there and Missy just opened the kennel and let the rooster free in her chicken yard.   I looked around and there were a lot of roosters just walking around.  The hens are all in coops based on breed, so there is no reason for the roosters to fight.  Beautiful young roosters just walking around, hanging out.  My four jumped right in.  My aggressive one immediately started looking around the cool crowd.  My other three just stood together looking at all the birds.  The baby ducks, born around the same time as my chickens are almost grown and absolutely adorable.  No, I did not buy any ducks or turkeys, or goats or pigs.  I did however exchange the four roosters for three roosters.  I picked out a lovely light golden red Rhode Island Red, a Buff Orpington with no feathers from her legs and wings back, except for one long broken tail feather.  You can see her new quills coming in, this is her first molting.  You just want to grab that poor broken feather and yank it out leaving that pour prickly pink naked chicken butt.  But she will be beautiful when her feathers grow back in.  I named her Sunflower and the Rhode Island is Rose.  The third one is lovely but I don't remember what she called it.  I will have to take a picture of her to compare to the Internet.  I named her Rudbeckia


Today, I woke again exhausted, fed the animals, walked towards the bedroom and ended up on the couch reading a book.  So many things to do outside, but I just laid on the couch.  I have taken some sleeping meds and will go to sleep soon.  I am going to sleep tonight.  


I feel a shift.  A small one, but this evening, maybe a little more peace.  My chickens are happy.  I spent the day with my "kids".  I am finally getting into my book.  I am 3/4 of the way through, but I am now enjoying it.  


And I feel tired.  
To sleep
sweet sleep