I finally steeled my nerves enough to leave the house yesterday, Monday to head into town and pick up the last of the things I needed, do some banking, pick up animal feed and stop by to see Jack and Jan before I left. I needed to get the last piece to Rob's birthday present and while I was in the area I also stopped by Beall's with my $50 Beall's money. I looked every where in the woman's section and could not find a light weight jacket that was rain resistant and comfortable. They had some Columbia ones, but there was no lining, and they were just rain jackets, and not that great. So I wandered over to the young men's, nope, and then on to the regular men's section where they had their nicest Columbia rain jackets reduced from $90 to $60. They only had a small, not an extra small, so it is way big on me, but it still looks nicer then the ladies ones, so I picked up a blue/gray one and for $10 plus tax I got a new rain jacket to take with me. I figure with a warm shirt underneath and zipping the jacket up it will be warm enough for the flight and then time in the Netherlands where the highs have been in the 60s. shudder. I also figure that I can borrow a sweater from Karin or one of the girls if I get really cold. No need to drag one along for a couple of days.
I called Dad, it was his 86th birthday. I had already called Rob in the morning and wished him a happy 60th. So birthday wishes given out, all my errands run, things were looking up.
Today I finished the paperwork for my Insurance, Cell phone and Christopher's camp registration and got all of that ready to drop off at the post office. I got the wheel chair out and cleaned it. I moved the most delicate plants into the greenhouse. I tried to work on the timers so that things would be automatically watered. I made some head way there, but not totally. I am prepared to loose plants while I am gone. It is just too hot and too dry here. I finished packing my bags. I have used about 1/3 of my suitcase and about half of my backpack, and I have been a little excessive in some of the things I am taking, but sometimes a hard headed woman just has to be a little wild and extravagant. Dad can fill the rest of my suitcase with the things he does not have room for. And if necessary we can still put more things in my back pack.
Right now the back pack has one pair of pants and shirt, one skirt with shirt (shirts interchangeable for either outfit) my meds, nuts (I am a hypoglycemic after all) and my camera with extra batteries and memory cards.
I took Bob to the vet today. I thought he had a strained leg. Dr. Baxter seems to think it is much worse. She thinks either a partially torn ACL ligament in the knee, or as Judy had feared, his hip. He has also put on 4 pounds in a month with the inactivity. So while I am gone he is on house arrest. He and Harry are on a carrot diet. They get one smaller meal a day, one dog cookie, and then as many carrots as they want. They were raised on carrots instead of raw hides, and they love them. They are really treats to them with the natural sweetness of the carrots and the crunchiness. They rarely leave a crumb. If you start your puppy out with carrots when they are teething they will love them the rest of their lives giving you a much healthier alternative then raw hide (which some dogs are allergic too, and others swallow pieces that are then indigestible and can cause problems in some dogs). Plus you get the bonus when they are teething to literally use as the carrot and the stick training. I never needed a stick, or to punish my dogs for chewing. If they looked like they were going to chew, or if they first started. I would distract them with a carrot and I have had very minimal damage of shoes, furniture, etc since I have started using the carrots for my dogs.
So I checked my way through the list, wrapping presents, straightening the house a bit. Paying bills ahead, I realize that I am only going to be gone 2 weeks, but my mind may be slow coming back, so I thought I should be prepared for more like 3 weeks of inactive intelligence for those ordinary things we all should do.
I have talked to many people to let them know I was leaving. I got to talk to Mary and Judy, my Vicki, the imaginary boyfriend, and to P & J. P & J are my friends facing P's lung cancer together. They are now looking into alternative and new treatments in the testing mode. I do hope they find something. They celebrated their 40th Anniversary together on Sunday and are hoping to make it 50. I hope so too. I am so grateful to have them in my life right now.
I also heard from my former boss. I could tell something was wrong, by his hesitation. He finally told me that William Martin's wife Kay died this morning of metastasized cancer on her lungs. It hit me so hard. I just kept believing that somehow she was going to pull out of this. She had done so well with the last bout of cancer about a year ago. But obviously not as good as the doctors had hoped for. And once again I was faced with the fact that I am mad that she is gone because of cancer, I am so sad and had to pull my car over to the side as Bruce was telling me and I wept like a few months ago. Bob rested his head against mine and just sat with me while I sobbed into his Labrador shoulder. Then I came home and all the wind was out of my sails. I first called the ladies of the garden club to tell them. It had just happened today, so word had not gotten out yet. The garden club will send flowers and make arrangements to be part of the mass bringing of food to the family. I still had so much to do, and I marked things off the list and said, oh well.
Then I sat down and tried to watch "What the Bleep do we know." This is a sort of documentary on quantum physics from 2004. I honestly had thought it was much older then that, but it is not. I highly recommend this movie (unpaid advertisement). It is about possibilities. Quantum Physics is the science of possibilities. It is about perspective. It is very interesting and I rented it from Netflix. Phone calls kept interrupting me, and I just let the movie run, so I missed so much of it. But when I get home I will sit down again and watch it then. Probably a couple of times to truly get the entire jest of the movie. They interview religious specialist, psychic median, medical doctors, chemist, physists, psychiatrist, well you get the point. They interviewed the most interesting people from science to religion and every aspect related to possibilities and humans they could find. The cool part is that I did not know who any of these people were until the end of the movie and it was surprising listening to them that their opinions would not have led you to guess their specialty.
And now it is late and I am tired. I will get up early tomorrow and pack the wheel chair and my suitcase in the car, put the top down on the toy and drive to dad's. We will finish the packing and go over the itinerary. We will talk and laugh. We will each take a nap hopefully. I am sure that Dad will. I think I need to try. I am not good at sleeping in front of strangers. So unless I am able to bond with a plane full of people in about 15 minutes, the chance of me sleeping on the plane is not likely. So that means I will be up for almost 2 days before I get a chance to lay down. I have some books to read instead of sleeping. I am already tired.
I will check one more time before I go to sleep to make sure that I have the itinerary, my passport and my address labels to send postcards back. I love sending postcards. It is one of the best things about vacations. However, I am limiting myself this trip on who I send cards to. Mostly just my immediate "family". There have been years where I sent dozens of postcards, but with everything going on with Dad, my health and this trip, I am giving myself permission to not do so much. To not expect myself to do and give to every one in the world. They know I love them. They know that at some point I will probably think of everyone of my beloveds on this trip. I know that I am going to have the most difficulty dealing with not having Ms Moon there. We have never been separated this long since we have become friends. And my Vicki, Judy and Denise, Rich and Bob from work. I am just so dependent on these beloveds since my cancer. And I am sorry that I have become dependent on them. But again this is sort of like the fox and the Prince taming thing again. I have not given up on living. I have not given in to fighting and going against my nature. I have not ever been angry for myself with this disease, and these people to name a few are the reason why.
And I know that my children will be fine with Ms Judy watching over them. She spoils them even worse then I do. And I know that Jack and Jan will do whatever needs to be done while I am gone for the Radio play. And that is all I can do. It is finally here. The Trip. The trip with my dad. The one that I am willing to give whatever to make this journey with him. To be with him as he visits his friends in their homes probably for the last time. If he is to see them again, they will have to come to him. They just might do that. I am proud that I am able to make this trip on so many levels. And I am excited about all the wonderful things that this trip will bring into Dad's and my life. I will also see how strong I am. If this gamble is wrong, then I might be shortening my life. I know that. I am fully aware that there will be challenges.
I Kathleen Miller Osgood being of my ability to be as close to a sound mind as I have ever been, and of a not so sound body, but one that is as good as it is going to get, choose of my own free will, against the better judgement of my most beloveds, to embark on this journey with as clear and open a mind and heart as I can make. I further state that I will do whatever to be my best and to try my hardest to be patient and loving to my father at all times. And the reward? Is the journey. Is the time with my dad. Is the time with these beloved people. Is the ability to take a journey.
I have Stage 4 lung cancer.
And I am strong enough to push a wheel chair with 3 suitcases and a back pack on my back. And I will remember and relish this possibility and all the possibilities, every moment of them. And to remember that I do have a certain amount of control over my reality. I can at least have a positive attitude and an open mind. Cancer can't take those away from me.
Ha, you little "c".
You may take my friends.
You may even take me at some point.
But not today.
And not for the next few weeks.
These are mine. And I will use them to the best I can be.
I called Dad, it was his 86th birthday. I had already called Rob in the morning and wished him a happy 60th. So birthday wishes given out, all my errands run, things were looking up.
Today I finished the paperwork for my Insurance, Cell phone and Christopher's camp registration and got all of that ready to drop off at the post office. I got the wheel chair out and cleaned it. I moved the most delicate plants into the greenhouse. I tried to work on the timers so that things would be automatically watered. I made some head way there, but not totally. I am prepared to loose plants while I am gone. It is just too hot and too dry here. I finished packing my bags. I have used about 1/3 of my suitcase and about half of my backpack, and I have been a little excessive in some of the things I am taking, but sometimes a hard headed woman just has to be a little wild and extravagant. Dad can fill the rest of my suitcase with the things he does not have room for. And if necessary we can still put more things in my back pack.
Right now the back pack has one pair of pants and shirt, one skirt with shirt (shirts interchangeable for either outfit) my meds, nuts (I am a hypoglycemic after all) and my camera with extra batteries and memory cards.
I took Bob to the vet today. I thought he had a strained leg. Dr. Baxter seems to think it is much worse. She thinks either a partially torn ACL ligament in the knee, or as Judy had feared, his hip. He has also put on 4 pounds in a month with the inactivity. So while I am gone he is on house arrest. He and Harry are on a carrot diet. They get one smaller meal a day, one dog cookie, and then as many carrots as they want. They were raised on carrots instead of raw hides, and they love them. They are really treats to them with the natural sweetness of the carrots and the crunchiness. They rarely leave a crumb. If you start your puppy out with carrots when they are teething they will love them the rest of their lives giving you a much healthier alternative then raw hide (which some dogs are allergic too, and others swallow pieces that are then indigestible and can cause problems in some dogs). Plus you get the bonus when they are teething to literally use as the carrot and the stick training. I never needed a stick, or to punish my dogs for chewing. If they looked like they were going to chew, or if they first started. I would distract them with a carrot and I have had very minimal damage of shoes, furniture, etc since I have started using the carrots for my dogs.
So I checked my way through the list, wrapping presents, straightening the house a bit. Paying bills ahead, I realize that I am only going to be gone 2 weeks, but my mind may be slow coming back, so I thought I should be prepared for more like 3 weeks of inactive intelligence for those ordinary things we all should do.
I have talked to many people to let them know I was leaving. I got to talk to Mary and Judy, my Vicki, the imaginary boyfriend, and to P & J. P & J are my friends facing P's lung cancer together. They are now looking into alternative and new treatments in the testing mode. I do hope they find something. They celebrated their 40th Anniversary together on Sunday and are hoping to make it 50. I hope so too. I am so grateful to have them in my life right now.
I also heard from my former boss. I could tell something was wrong, by his hesitation. He finally told me that William Martin's wife Kay died this morning of metastasized cancer on her lungs. It hit me so hard. I just kept believing that somehow she was going to pull out of this. She had done so well with the last bout of cancer about a year ago. But obviously not as good as the doctors had hoped for. And once again I was faced with the fact that I am mad that she is gone because of cancer, I am so sad and had to pull my car over to the side as Bruce was telling me and I wept like a few months ago. Bob rested his head against mine and just sat with me while I sobbed into his Labrador shoulder. Then I came home and all the wind was out of my sails. I first called the ladies of the garden club to tell them. It had just happened today, so word had not gotten out yet. The garden club will send flowers and make arrangements to be part of the mass bringing of food to the family. I still had so much to do, and I marked things off the list and said, oh well.
Then I sat down and tried to watch "What the Bleep do we know." This is a sort of documentary on quantum physics from 2004. I honestly had thought it was much older then that, but it is not. I highly recommend this movie (unpaid advertisement). It is about possibilities. Quantum Physics is the science of possibilities. It is about perspective. It is very interesting and I rented it from Netflix. Phone calls kept interrupting me, and I just let the movie run, so I missed so much of it. But when I get home I will sit down again and watch it then. Probably a couple of times to truly get the entire jest of the movie. They interview religious specialist, psychic median, medical doctors, chemist, physists, psychiatrist, well you get the point. They interviewed the most interesting people from science to religion and every aspect related to possibilities and humans they could find. The cool part is that I did not know who any of these people were until the end of the movie and it was surprising listening to them that their opinions would not have led you to guess their specialty.
And now it is late and I am tired. I will get up early tomorrow and pack the wheel chair and my suitcase in the car, put the top down on the toy and drive to dad's. We will finish the packing and go over the itinerary. We will talk and laugh. We will each take a nap hopefully. I am sure that Dad will. I think I need to try. I am not good at sleeping in front of strangers. So unless I am able to bond with a plane full of people in about 15 minutes, the chance of me sleeping on the plane is not likely. So that means I will be up for almost 2 days before I get a chance to lay down. I have some books to read instead of sleeping. I am already tired.
I will check one more time before I go to sleep to make sure that I have the itinerary, my passport and my address labels to send postcards back. I love sending postcards. It is one of the best things about vacations. However, I am limiting myself this trip on who I send cards to. Mostly just my immediate "family". There have been years where I sent dozens of postcards, but with everything going on with Dad, my health and this trip, I am giving myself permission to not do so much. To not expect myself to do and give to every one in the world. They know I love them. They know that at some point I will probably think of everyone of my beloveds on this trip. I know that I am going to have the most difficulty dealing with not having Ms Moon there. We have never been separated this long since we have become friends. And my Vicki, Judy and Denise, Rich and Bob from work. I am just so dependent on these beloveds since my cancer. And I am sorry that I have become dependent on them. But again this is sort of like the fox and the Prince taming thing again. I have not given up on living. I have not given in to fighting and going against my nature. I have not ever been angry for myself with this disease, and these people to name a few are the reason why.
And I know that my children will be fine with Ms Judy watching over them. She spoils them even worse then I do. And I know that Jack and Jan will do whatever needs to be done while I am gone for the Radio play. And that is all I can do. It is finally here. The Trip. The trip with my dad. The one that I am willing to give whatever to make this journey with him. To be with him as he visits his friends in their homes probably for the last time. If he is to see them again, they will have to come to him. They just might do that. I am proud that I am able to make this trip on so many levels. And I am excited about all the wonderful things that this trip will bring into Dad's and my life. I will also see how strong I am. If this gamble is wrong, then I might be shortening my life. I know that. I am fully aware that there will be challenges.
I Kathleen Miller Osgood being of my ability to be as close to a sound mind as I have ever been, and of a not so sound body, but one that is as good as it is going to get, choose of my own free will, against the better judgement of my most beloveds, to embark on this journey with as clear and open a mind and heart as I can make. I further state that I will do whatever to be my best and to try my hardest to be patient and loving to my father at all times. And the reward? Is the journey. Is the time with my dad. Is the time with these beloved people. Is the ability to take a journey.
I have Stage 4 lung cancer.
And I am strong enough to push a wheel chair with 3 suitcases and a back pack on my back. And I will remember and relish this possibility and all the possibilities, every moment of them. And to remember that I do have a certain amount of control over my reality. I can at least have a positive attitude and an open mind. Cancer can't take those away from me.
Ha, you little "c".
You may take my friends.
You may even take me at some point.
But not today.
And not for the next few weeks.
These are mine. And I will use them to the best I can be.
Have a good trip. I hope that you enjoy the time for yourself and for being with your dad.
ReplyDeleteso glad you're on this adventure
ReplyDelete